T'is the season for family

This idea is both a blessing and a curse it seems. I'm sure that I am not alone in thinking this but let me share my tale of woe.

To be honest my family isn't necessarily the closest one. Over the past several years we're getting better but in a limited sense. My dad's sister rarely talks to us. My mom's twin brother may as well not exist for the amount of time we see him. My mom's older brother is around twice a year making a show of family but has been known to ignore us on the street. As such my cousins from these three, seven in total (not counting their spouses and offspring) which were once close now never see one another.

Every year my mom's side of the family holds a Christmas party. The idea is that at least once a year the family can come back together from our busy and distanced lives, reconnect and enjoy each other once more. In reality its a horrible mess. Last Saturday was our annual Christmas party which my mother insists I attend for her sake and as such I do. It goes something like this.

The matriarchs (my mom and two aunts) work away in the kitchen preparing dinner receiving sporadic help from some of the daughters. I guess we're old fashioned that way. My uncle's (my mom's older brother) family sits in one area of the hall all cloistered together as they are all year long. My uncle and aunt did not say one word to me all night, neither did their two children that were in attendance. Since my divorce I'm something of an unacknowledged pariah or so it seems. My cousin's husbands stay close to the wives or their father in law which is beginning to creep me out a little. They both seem to be morphing into my a little too much.

My other uncle (my mom's twin brother) doesn't bother to make an appearance which is nothing new. My aunt (mom's sister) insists on inviting the woman who broke my cousin's heart by cheating on him with his best friend and having a child together. As the rest of the family won't talk to this woman or now husband my aunt and her husband flock to them so that they feel comfortable at the event. Of course it simply pisses everyone else off and no one will talk to them because no one else wants them there. Its one thing about my aunt I just don't understand.

So that leaves my family being ignored by my one uncle and in turn ignoring my one aunt because we're ignoring the pariah that continues to show up. So for several hours everyone huddles in their little groups playing cards with each other and eating food. I for one spend my time trying to remember all my cousins names which I promptly forget a day later. I guess its a subconsious thing which provides me with something to do the following year.

After a while people begin to leave, no goodbye's are exchanged except amongst their primary families. Then people make their way to the various cars for their trip home, which if it is anything like mine, is spent wondering aloud why we continue to partake in such torture.

It's not that I like this state of affairs, don't get me wrong. In actuality one of the things that I really admired about my ex-wifes family (a large italian one) was that family mattered and when they were together their private differences were suspended. Not so with us. Its to the point now that I don't bother to even try and talk with my aunts, uncles or cousins just as they make no attempt to talk with me. I tried for a number of years to change this but to no avail. I would try and talk with them but they just didn't seem interested in talking with me. Once my wife and I split there was even less conversation.

It's unfortunate but I've resigned myself to the depressing fact that when it comes to my family, family doesn't matter. Which makes this Christmas party thing all the more unbearable. We are constantly told (and I do believe) that Christmas is a time for family. So you make the effort and end up sitting in silence. I personally think it should just end but all those with little kiddies running around think this is just great. Then why won't they talk to one another? Nope its going to continue indeffinetly. In fact I was told that next year we of the middle generation are going to plan and host the event next year which means that I just have to be there. Yeah for me.

Of course I got even better news on Saturday; they want to expand the family parties to two per year. Now they want to add a summer event.

I'm already working on my excuse not to be there.

I know that sounds bad and makes me a little sad but it keeps me sane because it's exrutiating sitting in a room for hours with people you once got along with so well and are now ignored by.

A Christmas state of mind

I was mildly suprised recently when CBC Newsworld here in Canada ran a piece concerning a perceived 'war on Christmas'. The CBC is known for being fairly leftist in its editorial stance and usually ignores such stories, however not this time. I'm not really all that sure why. The CBC went out into the streets asking people on the street what they thought concerning Christmas and what it should be called.

So on Saturday night I was having a few beers with a friend and asked him what he thought about it all. He accused me of trying to egg him on, but in reality I find that he is a fairly straight forward secular person and as such I am able to gain a perspective on the world other than my own. He said that the state shouldn't be in the business of promoting Christmas and that if the state (city, town, etc.) was going to be involved in recognizing the holidays that it should do so in as inclusive a manner as possible.

I began to think about it as I had not really formed an opinion on the matter. I saw it as a case of tradition and really didn't see the harm in a city putting up a Christmas tree as opposed to a holiday tree but I hadn't really thought about it. When people were asked on the street they would say such things as "we don't ask Muslim's to change the name of Ramadan" or "we wouldn't call the Menorah a candle stick" and "so why should we be forced to change the name of Christmas?" My friend mentioned paranoia and conspiracy and I think perhaps he is somewhat right.

You see the difference is that when Christmas season came around, the town I live in put up Christmas decorations along the main street. I'm sure it happens in communities across North America. Now while none of the decorations are overtly religious in nature, it is clear that Christmas is being recognized. The city didn't put decorations to recognize Ramadan nor Chanukah (now while Chanukah is celebrated during the same time as Christmas it is rather easy to discern the difference in recognizing the two holidays).

Now being a Christian I don't necessarily have a problem with people recognizing Christmas. But I obviously have no clue as to how non-Christians feel about it. I'm sure some are rather indifferent to the whole thing but I'm also sure that some are not. How would I feel if the town I lived in started putting up decorations for Ramadan (for instance) or Festivus? We are a multi-cultural society and as such we need to respect the cultures of those around us. We too should have our (by our I mean the predominantly WASP society in which we live) culture respected as well. But what does that really have to do with Christmas?

Christmas is a religious holiday. Yes it has been celebrated in our culture in the past and rather openly. However in doing so Christmas has been subverted. There is more talk about economics, gifts, parties, vacations and the like during Christmas than actual discourse on the person of Christ and his place in the world. I feel somewhat ashamed that a secular entity such as Adbusters calls for people not feeding the materialist machine that is corporate North America during Christmas. When people are feeling sentimental they say that Christmas is about family, honesty, love and community. What does that have to do with me buying you a digital camera? Many perhaps buy gifts for their loved ones as a sign of their feelings but wouldn't be better if we simply told those we love that we love them?

So in the end I don't mind if the city or country takes Christ out of Christmas because in all reality Jesus has little to do with how we celebrate the season. Christmas is now more a cultural holiday rather than a religious one in our society. The important thing to remember is that the city isn't telling me I can't celebrate Christmas. In all honesty they are simply being truthful by removing Christ from Christmas in our societal celebrations.

So happy holidays, merry Christmas, happy Chanukah, merry Festivus and a belated happy Ramadan. Celebrate as you will, because I know that I will be.

Music part 3

I was sitting in a coffee shop on Monday evening with a friend. We were working on our respective school assignments when a sappy pop song from the early 80's came on. I was immediately reminded of being about 8 years old and doing the dinner dishes with my sister and mom. I mentioned this to my friend who shared a memory that a certain song evokes in him. I have a number of them:

Happy Trails by Van Halen automatically reminds me of my scouting trip to Conneticut when I was 12.

Don't Go Away Mad (just go away) by Motley Crue evokes images from the book The Wishsong of Shannara by Terry Brooks.

Time by Pink Floyd reminds me of a long lost friend.

Ah music ... well here a couple more songs for you.

The Last Resort
The Eagles
Album: Hotel California
Year: 1976

She came from Providence,
the one in Rhode Island
Where the old world shadows hang
heavy in the air
She packed her hopes and dreams
like a refugee
Just as her father came across the sea
She heard about a place people were simlin'
They spoke about the red man's way,
and how they loved the land
And they came from everywhere
to the Great Divide
Seeking a place to standor a place to hide
Down in the crowded bars,
out for a good time,
Can't wait to tell you all,
what it's like up there
And they called it paradise
I don't know why
Somebody laid the mountains low
while the town got high
Then the chilly winds blew down
Across the desert
through the canyons of the coast, to
the Malibu
Where the pretty people play,
hungry for powerto light their neon way
and give them things to do
Some rich men came and raped the land,
Nobody caught 'em
Put up a bunch of ugly boxes, and Jesus,
people bought 'em
And they called it paradise
The place to be
They watched the hazy sun, sinking in the sea
You can leave it all behind
and sail to Lahaina
just like the missionaries did, so many years ago
They even brought a neon sign:"Jesus is coming"
Brought the white man's burden down
Brought the white man's reign
Who will provide the grand design?
What is yours and what is mine?
'Cause there is no more new frontier
We have got to make it here
We satifsy our endless needs and
justify our bloody deeds,
in the name of destiny and the name
of God
And you can see them there,
On Sunday morning
They call it paradise
I don't know why
You call someplace paradise,
kiss it goodbye

Buffalo Soldier
Bob Marley
Album: Confrontation
Year: 1983

Buffalo soldier, dreadlock rasta:
There was a buffalo soldier in the heart of america,
Stolen from africa, brought to america,
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival.

I mean it, when I analyze the stench -
To me it makes a lot of sense:
How the dreadlock rasta was the buffalo soldier,
And he was taken from africa, brought to america,
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival.

Said he was a buffalo soldier, dreadlock rasta -
Buffalo soldier in the heart of america.

If you know your history,
Then you would know where you coming from,
Then you wouldn't have to ask me,
Who the 'eck do I think I am.

I'm just a buffalo soldier in the heart of america,
Stolen from africa, brought to america,
Said he was fighting on arrival, fighting for survival;
Said he was a buffalo soldier win the war for america.

Dreadie, woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy,
Woy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!
Woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy,
Woy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!
Buffalo soldier troddin' through the land, wo-ho-ooh!
Said he wanna ran, then you wanna hand,
Troddin' through the land, yea-hea, yea-ea.

Said he was a buffalo soldier win the war for america;
Buffalo soldier, dreadlock rasta,
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival;
Driven from the mainland to the heart of the caribbean.

Singing, woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy,
Woy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!
Woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy,
Woy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!

Troddin' through san juan in the arms of america;
Troddin' through jamaica, a buffalo soldier# -
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival:
Buffalo soldier, dreadlock rasta.

Woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy,
Woy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!
Woy yoy yoy, woy yoy-yoy yoy,
Woy yoy yoy yoy, yoy yoy-yoy yoy!

Amazing Grace
John Newton
Year: 1748


Amazing grace! (how sweet the sound)
That sav'd a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev'd;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ'd!

Thro' many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis'd good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be forever mine.

Music Part 2

Trouble
Cat Stevens
Album: Mona Bone Jakon
Year: 1970

Trouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me

I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair

I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there

Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today

Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery

I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me

I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see

Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery

Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time

Big Yellow Taxi
Joni Mitchell
Album: Ladies of the Canyon
Year: 1970

They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot
With a pink hotel, a boutique
And a swinging hot spot
Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

They took all the trees
Put ’em in a tree museum
And they charged the people
A dollar and a half just to see ’em
Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Hey farmer farmer
Put away that d.d.t. now
Give me spots on my apples
But leave me the birds and the bees
Please!Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Late last nightI heard the screen door slam
And a big yellow taxi
Took away my old man
Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till it’s gone
They paved paradise
And put up a parking lot

Fruit Tree
Nick Drake
Album: Five Leaves Left
Year: 1969

Fame is but a fruit tree
So very unsound.
It can never flourish
Till it’s stalk is in the ground.

So men of fame
Can never find a way
Till time has flownFar from their dying day.

Forgotten while you’re here
Remembered for a while
A much updated ruinFrom a much outdated style.

Life is but a memory
Happened long ago.
Theatre full of sadness
For a long forgotten show.

Seems so easy
Just to let it go on by
Till you stop and wonder
Why you never wondered why.

Safe in the womb
Of an everlasting night
You find the darkness can
Give the brightest light.

Safe in your place deep in the earth
That’s when they’ll know what you were really worth.
Forgotten while you’re here
Remembered for a while
A much updated ruin
From a much outdated style.

Fame is but a fruit tree
So very unsound.
It can never flourish
Till it’s stalk is in the ground.

So men of fame
Can never find a way
Till time has flown
Far from their dying day.

Fruit tree, fruit tree
No-one knows you but the rain and the air.
Don’t you worry
They’ll stand and stare when you’re gone.

Fruit tree, fruit tree
Open your eyes to another year.
They’ll all know
That you were here when you’re gone.

Music Part 1 : The Pink Floyd Edition

I love music. I try to have music playing wherever I am. I'm constantly amazed at how music can affect me. It can make me happy or sad, angry or loving. Music is able to not only reach our minds but also our souls.

I thought I would share some songs that touch me.

Time
Pink Floyd
Album: Dark Side of the Moon
Year: 1973

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then the one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desparation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home againI like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away, across the field, tolling on the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
And hear the softly spoken magic spell

Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd
Album: Wish You Were Here
Year: 1975

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

On The Turning Away
Pink Floyd
Album: A Momentary Lapse of Reason
Year: 1987

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand
"Don't accept that what's happeningIs just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining inThe turning away"
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all aloneIn the dream of the proud
On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accordUsing words you will find are strange
And mesmerised as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

Winter Wonderland

I find that as I grow older I look forward to Christmas more and more each year. My friend thought I was nuts when I was playing Christmas carols in the car in early November. I'm not too sure that I can explain it other than a growing sense of family. So imagine my delight when I went out this afternoon and found this ...

No, not the bridge, but falling snow. It was the first snow fall of the year and as soon as I saw it a smile came to my face. I quickly grabbed my coat and went for a walk.

There is nothing quite like going for a walk while it is snowing out, especially in a city. Everything looks a little cleaner. Everything seems a little quieter. I like the way the snow looks on the trees and as it falls through the lights.

Winter is finally here and with it comes snow and Christmas.
I love it.

Why

When I was 19, I spent a lot of time travelling by myself to and from school. At the time I felt very lost. I had no idea who I was or who I was meant to be. I remember constantly thinking that if I belonged to some ethnic group that I could take from it some sense of identity, some sense of who or what I was. Of course I'm white Canadian male and as such I can think of no distinct cultural identity within which I fit. So I continued to despair and search but found nothing on earth which could / would answer my questions.

It was then that God began to speak to me. I learned that I was God's creation and called to by him to be his child. I began to read the bible and ask questions of my uncle who was a Christian. I had gone to church as a child but stopped going when I was 12. I had been open somewhat to God, but had never opened myself to him truly. As I continued to read, things began to make sense. As I continued to ask questions, I began to get answers. It was a beautiful spring day in May 1993 that I too became a Christian and finally ackowledged within my heart and mind who and what I was. I was a child of God, created by him so that I might know him and be loved by him.

Over the years since I have discussed God with many people. People who believed as I did and those who did not. I found I enjoyed discussing my faith and God with non-believers because it challenged me to confront areas of my faith that I may not have chosen to by myself. I have as of yet to encounter anything that has shaken my faith in God. Perhaps the lowest point I've had was when my wife left. It was then that I felt most keenly the presence of God.

Recently I was reading some online forums and read a post by a gentleman that stated that he used to be a Christian but was one no longer and was now definetly sure that there was no God as he had prayed for years, received no answer and as such had proven the non-existence of God. This got me thinking. How did this person 'prove' that God did not exist? He of course did not, but rather embraced and confirmed his own personal unbelief. I read tonight a person's confession that the death of their child proved that God did not exist. The simple fact of the matter is that one cannot 'prove' the existence or non-existence of God.

The most common proofs for the non-existence of God is 1) bad things happen and 2) "I've never experienced him". I find that these two arguments are rather week. First the simple notion that bad things happen proves nothing. The same people that claim this don't want God to stop everything 'bad' from happening. What they want is for certain 'bad' things to stop happening not all of them. Because in the end 'if' God exists his definition of 'bad' is vastly different from the world view of 'bad' that if he stopped all 'bad' thing from happening these people would be unhappy that they no longer had personal freedom to do 'bad' things. In reality this is a personal excuse or reason for unbelief and that is fine, but it does not prove that there is no God. The second claim for proof is also a personal reason for unbelief and poor philosophy. I've never experienced Brad Pitt's parent's therefore they don't exist. Its poor logic. I can't prove that Brad Pitt's don't exist through this reasoning but it may be enough for me to not believe in them. That of course is up to the individual.

However, what proves to me that God does exist is the fact that I have experienced him. Of course in turn this is my excuse or reason for belief. And that of course is what faith is all about. When I was 20 I was baptized and as was the tradition in my church people would give their testimony, how one came to be a Christian. I did not. Instead I related to those in attendance the reality of my experience with God. That is why I believe.

The Creation of Adam - Michaelangelo

In days of summer past

In a recent post I commented on the ease with which I can post pictures to my blog. This made me happy and today I will use it for the first real time.

Back in July I had a chance to get together with a friend who I hadn't seen in over a year. We know each other from school but I had to take a year off and with us living in different towns we never got a chance to see each other. So one beautiful July day we decided we should get together before she left for teacher's college. She is into photography so another friend of mine lent me his digital camera so we went out in search of photo ops.

We started at an art gallery and then went on a cruise through North America's largest hydraulic lift locks. The boat ride was fairly uneventful but it was a good place to talk and it offered some great views. I wanted to post these pictures months ago but didn't know how. So here we go ...


This is fairly self explanitory.















This is from the top of the lift lock over looking a golf course.











This too is from the top of the lift lock over looking the city. In the middle of the city is a small lake aptly named Little Lake, in the middle of which is a large fountain which had been brought over from Switzerland by a local man for his wife. After a number of years he donated it to the city. You can just see the top of the water in the middle of the picture.








I liked the clouds here. They just seemed to epitomize the day.





















Again self explanitory.
















This is looking back of the stern of the boat as we are leaving the lift lock.




















This is another shot taken from the stern of the boat looking north.















This is one of the towers on which the lift lock rides up and down. Unlike most lift locks which simply pump water in to raise a boat, this lift lock has two large 'platforms' which seal in the water. The platforms are then raised or lowered carrying the boat up or down.







My friend who lent me the camera took a couple of the photos that I had taken and played with them a bit on his computer and came up with the following ...

Oh woe is me

So I decided recently that I needed to be more active. I had started doing some cycling during the summer. Nothing too serious just a ride with a friend. We could talk and catch up while doing something active. Of course things got in the way and that ended. So I was talking with another friend and he suggested that we could go running in the mornings after I get off work. So I hemmed and hawwed for a while before deciding that I needed to do something as I wasn't going to be playing rugby this fall.

So a few weeks ago I went for my first run. My friend mapped out a 4.5 km route that we would take and I would work my way up towards the full distance. Well my first time I lasted 10 minutes before I had to stop. We walked for 3 minutes, ran for another 10 an then walked for another 3 to end the trip. Not too bad I thought. The next time I made it 11 minutes before stopping but after the walk my legs were cramping badly and I had to walk the rest of the way home. So we started cycling in the mornings following a 20km route which worked well but I knew that I didn't have to work anywhere near as hard to finish it as I did the running.

Running is hard work. At least for me. So in the end my inherent laziness got the better of me and I started coming up with excuses not to go running. I've now missed three opportunities in a row and am still mentally wrangling with myself over going in the morning. I'm almost hoping for rain so that I have a 'valid' excuse not to go. Of course I'm the one putting myself up to it so I can easily give up on the notion but every time I look in the mirror I can't help but think that I need to do something. I know what I need to do: diet and exercise. Its rather simple really. You watch what you eat and be active. Of course I don't do either, feel guilty because of it and then retreat into a bag of chips and several hours of playing my PS2. I feel like such a moron at times.

I guess in the end I just want it to be simple. I don't want to have to work for it. I wish I was one of those people who can 'eat anything and not gain a pound'. I'm not but seemingly refuse to adjust my lifestyle to deal with that very real fact. I've got to do it though, cause in the end the only person I'm hurting is myself and if I don't care who will? This isn't something that someone else can do for me, I have to do it. I know I have to do it. Mentally I want to do it. So why don't I just do it?

So now the question is will it rain, will I be lazy or will I actually do what I know I need to be doing this morning, running?

Well that was easy

Here I've been wondering why it was so hard to put pictures on my blog and now I find out that it is incredibly simple.

It wasn't until my last post that I finally figured out how to make a word a link rather than putting the whole web address into the blog.

Perhaps I should spend some time one of these days and figure out what blogger is capable of so that I can improve my posts.

Until then I'll leave you with this picture I found and thought was cool as well as a link to a website which might come in handy to geeks like me.

Will wonders ever cease?

I was browsing through the internet a week or so ago and came across the following list. It is a list of books which dispirate people have challenged to have removed from various libraries and school curriculums. Some I found surprising, some not so much. Enjoy.

The 100 Most Frequently Challenged Books of 1990 - 2000

100. Jump Ship To Freedom by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
99. The Terrorist by Caroline Cooney
98. The Headless Cupid by Zilpha Keatley Snyder
97. View from the Cherry Tree by Willo Davis Roberts
96. How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
95. Girls and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
94. The Drowning of Stephen Jones by Bette Greene
93. Sex Education by Jenny Davis
92. Running Loose by Chris Crutcher
91. Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
90. Little Black Sambo by Helen Bannerman
89. Summer of My German Soldier by Bette Greene
88. Where's Waldo? by Martin Hanford
87. Private Parts by Howard Stern
86. Always Running by Luis Rodriguez
85. Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison
84. The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
83. The Dead Zone by Stephen King
82. Mommy Laid An Egg by Babette Cole
81. Family Secrets by Norma Klein
80. Arizona Kid by Ron Koertge
79. On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
78. Tiger Eyes by Judy Blume
77. Carrie by Stephen King
76. Where Did I Come From? by Peter Mayle
75. Bless Me, Ultima by Rudolfo A. Anaya
74. Jack by A.M. Homes
73. Curses, Hexes and Spells by Daniel Cohen
72. Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Fantasies by Nancy Friday
71. Native Son by Richard Wright
70. Lord of the Flies by William Golding (the first one I've actually read)
69. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
68. The Face on the Milk Carton by Caroline Cooney
67. The House of Spirits by Isabel Allende
66. Guess What? by Mem Fox
65. Fade by Robert Cormier
64. Athletic Shorts by Chris Crutcher
63. Crazy Lady by Jane Conly
62. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
61. What's Happening to my Body? Book for Boys: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents and Sons by Lynda Madaras
60. American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis (own it but haven't read it yet)
59. Ordinary People by Judith Guest
58. Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy
57. The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell
56. James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
55. Cujo by Stephen King
54. Asking About Sex and Growing Up by Joanna Cole
53. Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by A.N. Roquelaure (Anne Rice)
52. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley (read it)
51. A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
50. Cross Your Fingers, Spit in Your Hat by Alvin Schwartz
49. The Boy Who Lost His Face by Louis Sachar
48. Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden
47. Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes
46. Deenie by Judy Blume
45. Bumps in the Night by Harry Allard
44. The Pigman by Paul Zindel
43. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton (read it)
42. Beloved by Toni Morrison
41. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (read it)
40. What's Happening to my Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-Up Guide for Parents and Daughters by Lynda Madaras
39. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison
38. Julie o fthe Wolves by Jean Craighead George
37. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
36. Final Exit by Derek Humphry
35. We All Fall Down by Robert Cormier
34. Halloween ABC by Eve Merriam
33. Killing Mr. Griffin by Lois Duncan
32. Blubber by Judy Blume (read it)
31. Kaffir Boy by Mark Mathabane
30. The Goats by Brock Cole
29. Anastasia Krupnik (series) by Lois Lowry
28. The New Joy of Gay Sex by Charles Silverstein
27. The Witches by Roald Dahl
26. The Stupids (series) by Harry Allard
25. In the Night Kitchen by Maurice Sendak
24. Fallen Angels by Walter Dean Myers
23. Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
22. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
21. The Great Gilly Hopkins by Katherine Paterson
20. Earth's Children (series) by Jean M. Auel
19. Sex by Madonna
18. The Color Purple by Alice Walker
17. A Day No Pigs Would Die by Robert Newton Peck
16. Goosebumps (series) by R.L. Stine
15. It's Perfectly Normal by Robie Harris
14. The Giver by Lois Lowry
13. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (own it but not read)
12. My Brother Sam is Dead by James Lincoln Collier and Christopher Collier
11. Heather has Two Mommies by Leslea Newman
10. Alice (series) by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
9. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
8. Forever by Judy Blume
7. Harry Potter (series) by J.K. Rowling (read it)
6. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck (read it)
5. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain (read it)
4. The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier
3. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
2. Daddy`s Roommate by Michael Willhoite
1. Scary Stories (series) by Alvin Schwartz

Here is a Wikipedia article on banned books which provides information on many of the above listed books.

Surprised

I tend to get tied up in the notions of alpha versus beta male crap that flies around our society in general and athletics in particular. I would tend to say that I am most likely a typical beta male and with such a position comes a good amount of hatred towards those alpha males out there. Since beginning to play rugby I have met my share of alpha males; by and large they have tended to reinforce certain notions I have of them. Last year after after having played two seasons with one particular individual I felt the need to tell him the truth about what I thought of him. I'm sure the alcohol that I had consumed in copious amounts that night had something to do with it but I couldn't help my self and in the end was grateful that he didn't take a swing at me.

After a summer of thinking about what I had done and what I could remember saying I found myself sitting next to said individual for two hours on the bus trip back from a game. Again I felt compelled to be honest with him. I apologized for some of what I had said to him, especially the part about me calling him an asshole and for the fact that I had judged him which was wrong of me. He suprised me by saying that I had nothing to apolgize for and that he had appreciated my comments. I was shocked to say the least. Of course now I don't expect that we will be friends or anything, we are different people and don't make a point of socializing together. But in the end I think both conversations were more about me than him and I'm glad looking back on them that I stood up and said something. Of course he did suprise me which was nice too.

The fruits of discussion

At work this evening a coworker of mine and myself began discussing a particular teenage resident who seemed to be less than enthusiastic about being at the shelter. This discussion quickly evolved into a discussion concerning the pressure that teenagers today are under by society. My coworker stated that she wouldn't be a teenager today for anything, arguing that the societal pressures that today's teenagers experience make things much too hard for them.

I think it's unfortunate that many in our society look at teenagers as a collective whole rather than as a diverse group of individuals. All too often the few bad apples that we read about in the papers or see on the streets become the vilified example for a whole generation. It's not uncommon for me to hear that all teenagers are punks or lazy or criminals. Even in my experience with working with homeless teenagers (perhaps the most desperate of the group and as such perhaps the most prone to acting out in a negative manner) it is the definite minority that even come close to meeting this negative stereotype.

I mention all this because my coworker was arguing that society had failed this generation and as such it was society's responsibility to fix the problem. I personally don't think that teenagers today face unsurmountable pressures nor do I believe that their situation is all that different than mine more than a decade ago. Just like them I faced peer pressure to fit in by doing drugs, drinking, having sex, rebelling, committing a crime, etc. What I think has changed since I was a teenager or a preteen was the time frame that was allowed for me to hold on to my innocence. In previous posts I have discussed the over sexualization of 'tweeners' (10 - 12 year olds) and the pressure placed upon them to act in a sexualy mature fashion. This is but one aspect of what I would say is society not allowing children to be children. What I find equally damaging is the fact that while we deny kids their childhood we also deny them maturity. Teenagers today seem to be in some quasi state of immature adulthood. They are pressured to dress like adults (what I have heard described as prosti-tots - ASIDE: a Simpson's episode I really liked was one where Lisa goes shopping with a group of school girls, she goes into a clothing store and a clerk shows her their 'your hooker' line of clothes, Lisa is repulsed by the notion and states "I'm only 8 years old!" the clerks response "Yes, and you look it too," as if this was a bad thing), to socialize like adults (sex, drugs, alcohol, partying, etc.) and are given power (purchasing power through allowances, spineless parents and part time jobs - ASIDE: this of course if fed by our culture's seemingly dominant materialism - why do 15 year olds need to work? why do 15 year olds need $200 pairs of running shoes? - teenagers spend billions each year on essentially nothing all because they are told to) but in seemingly direct contrast are not given opportunities to mature at the same rate. We now live in a culture that works its ass off to protect kids and teens from the harshness of adult reality all the while projecting onto them the notion that they are in reality 'young adults'.

Teens throughout history have faces pressures and problems. It would appear that today's generation of teens are a problem that needs to be fixed by society, according to my coworker. She argued that it was society that failed them and therefore it was society's responsibility to solve it. To me this was somewhat erroneous if not dangerous. What is society? In essence society is me and you; it is people. When we say society needs to fix a problem all too often it is meant that the state needs to fix the problem. This is a slippery slope because the powers and tools that the state would need to fix the problems we place at its feet would, in my opinion, end in a totalitarian society where the state is all powerful and we have no rights. Also I think that when we say 'society' needs to fix a problem it is because we are unwilling to acknowledge our own responsibility in allowing 'society' (by which I mean you and I) to fail segments of our population.

I remember a few years ago listening to a Christian radio program where a man was relating a personal experience when he was angry with God. He told a story about how a young girl in his church had been molested and of his anger at God for not protecting her. He talked of driving around his hometown until he found himself on a hill over looking the city and raging at God, asking Him why couldn't He stop it? How could fail this little girl? How come you didn't do something? It was at this time that he said he heard a voice in his head that said 'but that is why your there'. God wasn't shirking responsibility but rather pointing out that as a child of God, the man in question was God's representative on earth and therefore God would act through him rather than perform a miracle.

In relating this story to a couple of friends of mine I was reminded of Jesus. As a man Jesus was constantly stepping into the breach and acting to bridge it. He gave solace and counsel, hope and encouragement, He led by example and called for people to follow His lead. I am now reminded of a well known passage:

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of min, you did for me."
Matthew 25: 35-40 NIV

In calling on 'society' to solve our problems we only serve to perpetuate our problems for what is society except each one of us. If we don't act who will? If we see a problem and don't act to correct it who will? I'm not awaiting a miracle to solve all of our societal problems but rather facing the reality that nothing in our society will improve unless we as individuals and groups work together to solve them. Oscar Wylde once said that "a map without a utopia, is not worth looking at." What does this mean? Utopia is a conceptualization of a perfect society and as such serves as a point of reference for our present reality. It provides us with the ability to judge our present and make corrections. The notion of utopia serves to guide us in our actions towards the future while helping us to define what is Right. Whether our views are religious or secular we all have a vision of a more perfect society which should propel us towards action in seeing it come about. For me as a Christian it means that I should do those things quoted in the above passage. For if each of us took the time to help the sick, the poor, the hungry it wouldn't be long before we would notice a change in our society. A change for the better, I think.

Just a random update

So I went on a couple of dates with a woman I met at work. She was older than me which was a first and also had three kids. I was told that I should be wary of this; I wasn't. We had talked several times before I asked her out. The first date was a disaster as I slept through it but she was understanding and gave me a second chance. Our 'second' date went much better. We had dinner and went for a short walk followed by coffee and desert. The conversation was good and we had a few things in common which was nice. But there was no spark. The next date we went bowling which was fine. I kept feeling as though I had to continue to drive the conversation which I hate. Am I so uninteresting that people don't want to know anything about me? After bowling we went for an ice cream before she offered to drive me home as I had walked. As we sat in her car I got the feeling that she wanted me to kiss her; I didn't. I called her up last week and invited her out for dinner on Saturday. I told her that I would be in Toronto for the afternoon but should be back by dinner time. She agreed. I however did not get home till 9pm. I called and apologized to her answering machine. She hasn't called me back and I'm relieved. I tend to over think things and I was making an effort to not do that this time. However in the end I think that I kept pursuing things after that first date more out of a desire to do something with someone rather than an actual romantic interest in her. I think she is a nice person and could be a good friend but even that seems somewhat tainted now.

I played rugby for two seasons at my university. I never played for the first side but really gained an appreciation for the game. So this year I decided to become the team's manager as I am inelligable to play due to the fact that I am only taking one credit and you need to be taking three to play. Much of what I'm doing is what I did last year as a member of the club's executive. I handle sponsors, organize events and make sure that the team has the information that they need for each of these. I put a lot of work into these things and there are a couple of people who recognize this which is nice but there are a couple of guys on the team I would dearly love to kick the shit out of. They give me no respect, looking down their nose at me simply because they are first team players and I'm not. It's unfortunate but I have done more for this team then they ever will but they don't seem to notice and this bothers me. I guess it's my vanity and own insecurities that I feel the need to be universally appreciated. Of course their open derision is also hard to take. I almost hate the fact that they are going to benefit from my efforts. Now I'm trying to organize a Wales tour for the team to happen in 2007 and it will be these bastards that go not I because they have mommy and daddy paying their way and I have to bust my ass working up to six days a week to make ends meet and still pay for school. So they'll go and have the time of their lives while I'll have to sit and listen to all the stories once they get back. I feel like torching their cars.

I'm back to thinking about going over to Korea for a year of two once I'm done school three years from now. I've lived from pay cheque to pay cheque for so long that I've actually gotten used to the stress involved in having no money. I'll also have no money for the next three years as every extra dollar I have will have to go towards paying my student loans while saving up enough to pay for teacher's college. I had a friend go over a couple of years ago and was able to bank $20,000 over one year. I have three friends over there right now who simply love it. One doesn't want to come back. The simple notion that in two years I could be completely and utterly debt free AND have saved upwards of $10, 000 is too good to pass up I think. Besides the notion that one can get paid to travel and experience foreign cultures is simply awesome. In the beginning of my second year of university I began to plan on spending my third year abroad at a school in Wales. It would have been through a program at the school which would have meant that I would be able to spend a year in Wales for the same price as going to school here for a year. Obviously I didn't go. Two months before the application deadline my then wife whom I was seperated from asked to try and work things out so I felt that I owed it to her and our marriage to try. Six weeks after the deadline passed she told me that things weren't working out. I found out later that she hadn't stopped seeing the guy she left me for in the first place. Looking back I can't help but think that while I may have done the right thing I missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime because of her. This is something I'm not too sure I want to do again. I work with a guy who is thinking of going overseas for a year or three and it's all complicated by the fact that he has a girlfriend. Relationships just seem to fuck things up way too much.

Prayers and sympathy

I would like to extend my prayers and sympathy to my American neighbours who have been affected by the devestation wrought by Huricane Katrina.

The loss of life from such an event is staggering.

It is at a time like this that we as human beings show our true spirits and the quality of our character; be it good or bad. Amid the destruction and death there are people looting for jewelry and tv's. This is a clear example of a person demonstrating to the world that they are truly selfish and self-centered and are amongst the worst examples of humanity. However the overwhelming response has been for people to come together, to help out their neighbours and strangers alike. These people are showing the world our best qualities.

The level of destruction and loss of human life is staggering and while we will attach dollar figures to it all it pales in comparison to the sense of humility that one is overwhelmed with and the sense of connectedness that springs to life in each of us. Amongst those affected are rich and poor, black and white, male and female. Where before there were divisions of class, race and gender there is now a brief glimpse of community, sharing and caring. For all have been affected and all are in need of help.

It is my sincere hope that through this devestation that these lessons will not be lost. These are lessons that would help to make our world a better place today and tomorrow. Be it those directly affected or those who can only watch the sense of humanity that we all share through such a tragedy would serve us well after the tragedy is just a memory.

It is unfortunate that as human beings we show the great character in coming together in times of need only to allow petty differences to divide us when times are good and everything seems to be going well.

A year ago, here where I live the city was flooded rather badly. There were millions of dollars worth of damage, people were homeless and those affected were as diverse as possible. The city came together and came through the destruction together. People came together to help out by volunteering, by giving food, by housing people, by giving money. However it is unfortunate that a year later that same sense of caring and community has been lost for there are still homeless people, still people who need food, there are still people who need our help.

As people our society will only be as great as our lowliest members. So while we build giant skyscrapers and are able to send people into space we have people dieing in our streets and people who are going hungry. Our apathy towards those in need is lost during a disaster but we need to lose it permanently.

There are people in need today. There will be people in need tomorrow. I hope that the qualities that we are showing today; compassion, caring, sharing, humility, empathy and courage will last beyond today to help those in need tomorrow.

Three things

I heard this on the radio earlier today and was hoping beyond hope that I had heard wrong. Obviously not. Here is a copy of the article from CBC.CA in its entirety along with the appropriate link. Please read.

http://www.cbc.ca/story/world/national/2005/08/23/robertson_chavez_2005_08_23.html


Robertson's call to assassinate Chavez causes storm in Washington, Venezuela
Last Updated Tue, 23 Aug 2005 15:05:50 EDT
CBC News

Pat Robertson's call for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has caused an angry reaction in Washington, D.C. and beyond. The conservative U.S. evangelist and founder of the Christian Coalition said Monday night that Chavez represents a "terrific danger" to the United States.

"We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability," Robertson said.

"We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm dictator," he continued. "It's a whole lot easier to have some of the covert operatives do the job and then get it over with."

Chavez is an outspoken critic of U.S. foreign policy, in particular of Washington's attitude towards Latin America.

He has accused the United States of conspiring to topple his government and possibly backing plots to assassinate him. U.S. officials have said his accusations are ridiculous.

The Bush administration also forcefully distanced itself from Robertson's comments on Tuesday.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said: "Our department doesn't do that kind of thing. It's against the law. He's a private citizen. Private citizens say all kinds of things all the time."
State Department spokesman Sean McCormack called Robertson's remarks "inappropriate." He acknowledged that the U.S. has its differences with the Caracas government.

In Caracas, Vice President Jose Vicente Rangel called on America to do something about Robertson. "The ball is in the U.S. court, after this criminal statement by a citizen of that country," he said.

Former U.S. President Gerald Ford put political assassination off-limits in an executive order in the mid-1970s.

Now for my three things.

1. I am so sick and tired of this moron being the face of Christianity in North America. I don't believe that it is because he truly represents the majority of Christians but rather he has (one of) the loudest voice through his Christian Coalition and 700 Club television shows (others include Jerry Falwell and James Dobson). Also the media in North America for the most part is the laziest institution around (that is saying something given our governments) and pander more to entertainment than the actual reporting of facts and informing the public which is their responsibility. It is easy for them to put Roberston on the news constantly as a pundit, angel, devil because he puts himself out there. They don't have to do much work but rather simply run the sound clip he provides over his tv network.

These people and Robertson in particular, are far to politically motivated and involved. I was recently watching an episode of The Daily Show when they reported on Robertson's 'prayer' for an 'opening' in the U.S. Supreme Court two years ago. Of course the only way for their to be an opening is for one to retire or die. Nice. Now he is apparently taking credit for Sandra Day-O'Connor's decision to step down and is again 'praying' for another opening. Now he is openly calling for the assassination of a foreign leader. Tell me this guy is not a moron. But what sickens me most (on this point) is the fact that many in North America and around the world will put Robertson's words into the hearts of Christians simply because they have been told that he represents Christianity, when he does not.

Robertson is so far from Christianity in his recent remarks and actions that I wish to publicly disavow any association with this man. What happened to 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' or 'the meek shall inherit the earth' or 'love your neighbor as yourself' or 'these three remain: faith, hope and love. The greatest of thes is love.' Christians are called to love others, not call for their assassination. We are called to respect others and our governments not pray for the death of a supposed 'activist' judiciary.

Robertson today showed that he is less a Christian leader and more a politician. A Wolf in Sheep's clothing if you will. So I urge any who read this don't give any credence to Robertson and please don't think ill of a whole religion simply because of the ravings of one lunatic.

2. Now for something a little more political. For a while now Chavez has been talking about America's actions in Latin America. They have been active their for decades going back to the earliest parts of the 20th century. They have installed and removed numerous dictators and are seemingly bent on having Latin America under its 'sphere of influence' (political ese for 'under our thumb'). It seems that Chavez is acting preemptively by calling attention to potential U.S. interference in his country as a means of perhaps heading off any such action.

It is no secret that Chavez and a few other Latin American leaders are trying to consolidate their position with each other so as to shore up strength to throw off the cloak of American influence. In fact one of the strongest supporters of Chavez and this movement is Fidel Castro that old friend of the U.S. It is no secret that the U.S. seeks the position of world leader, especially if one reads anything written by The Project For The New American Century. Its the dawn of the 20th century all over again. Instead of Teddy Roosevelt calling for American Empire we have Daniel Pearl and Paul Wolfowitz calling for 'sphere's of American influence'.

Now that one of the sphere's is calling a spade a spade and saying that they want for themselves exactly what Amerca fought and died for (see American Revolution and the desire for self determination) everything is wrong and political figures (yes Robertson is a political figure - he tried running for President in 1988) that be want them squashed like a bug. It is amazing what can change in 229 years. It was wrong for Britain to control oversees territories but 229 years later it is okay because its the U.S. that is doing it. Some call it pogressive foreign policy, I call it hypocrisy.

3. Now for a little more politics. I remember following the lead up to the 2004 U.S. presidential election and was amazed at the amount of 'faith based' issues on the ballots. Everything it seemed revolved around Christianity. It was a smart move on the part of the Republicans. One needs to motivate those 'faith-based' voters. So thay talked and talked about gay marriage and abortion. They talked about the 10 Commandments on courthouse steps and the need to get back to their Christian roots. The Christian Coalition, headed by Pat Robertson, was a huge backer of the Bush team and a huge disseminator of their oversimplified talking points. After a while the election seemed to be more about gay marriage than it did about foreign policy, domestic policy and economics (the three main pillars of politics).

But now look at how things have changed. When was the last time you heard about Bush's supposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage? What was the outcome of the court cases involving the 10 Commandments? Is abortion still legal in the U.S.? Once the election was over the administration that used 'faith-based' voters dropped their facade of moralism and went back to arrogance as usual. They had no intention of doing these things, they simply needed the votes and they knew that if they could distract enough people with issues that mattered little they could squeek out a win. And they did.

Now with Robertson's latest outburst (the consequence of his believing that he has more political influence than he does - it almost seems as if he thinks he is using the government rather than the reality of the government using him) the Bush administration, that friend to the faithful, has categorically denied any association with Robertson or his remarks. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

The Religious Right in the U.S. traded the perverbial cow for some magic beans. They believe(d) that it was the government that was to bring about moral change in America, not God. They believe(d) that they needed to have America conform to them rather than they to God. They believe(d) that they needed to bring about paradise on earth rather than God. Of course I am always a little confused on such matters. If one reads the Bible and takes it seriously (as I am to assume that the Religious Right does) then one would know that the world isn't going to get better but much, much worse. I believe the Bible talks about something called the Tribulation not the Restoration. And now we have Christian's across America saying that they are being persecuted while living in one of the most Christianized countries in the world. They need a reality check. Persecution was being thrown to the lions or being burned alive. Persecution occurs but it's happening in places such as China not America.

It's time that Christian's in North America place their faith in God once more rather than upon politics in which it has been misplaced for some time now.

Foregone Forgo

Tommy couldn't get the cascading red curls out of his head. The wafting scent of lavender seemed to overcome his scenses to the point where sight and sound were no more. The rich red curls ruled his mind's eye while the her full rich scent ruled his reality. The clock on the wall continued its ceaseless journey towards its infinite ending while the professor continued her ceaseless droning on infinite beginnings. The only thing to reach Tommy's mind was the stifled giggle from Veronica.

Once class was over Tommy's fellow student's began filing out of the lecture hall bringing Tommy back to reality once more. Sights and sounds flooded his mind, the shuffle of chairs, the murmer of numerous voices, the bouncing of rich red curls and the flash of her green eyes. He caught her smile and held it in his mind and then she was gone as she was every Tuesday at 2pm. Tommy gathered his books and bag and left the hall last of the few hundred students. Tuesday's at 12pm was the beginning of the most perfect two hours of Tommy's life. Tuesday's at 2pm was their end. Philosophy was now his worst class but the one he would never miss.

Mostly Tommy pined for Veronica in stubborn shy silence. In his more fanciful moments he compared his feelings for Veronica with those medieval tales of unrequited love. Romeo and Juliet had become a personal favorite; so much so that he had taken to carrying around his well thumbed edition all the time now. Tommy was still lost in his thoughts and fancies when he was joined by his roommate and friend Brian who everyone refered to as 'Nel' due to his amazing feets with a beer funnel in his freshman year. Tommy could see Nel's mouth moving before he could hear what he was saying. " ... mmy, man. Yo Tommy. You ready for practice, man?"

Most of the time, while on the pitch Tommy could lose himself for awhile in the rigors of practice. The only voice that mattered was that of his coaches and captain. Run hard. Don't drop the ball. Hit hard. Play smart. Communicate. He lost himself in the pure physicalness of it all; his mind running on instinct and skills hammered into him through repetition and hundreds of push-ups. Things were going well until he spotted the flash of red out of the corner of his eye and dropped the ball. "Dougan! What the hell were you thinking?! This is rugby son! If you want to stay on this pitch you WILL CATCH THE BALL!!! You understand me son?!" Coach Spencer was inches from him now, his face red, the vein on his forehead pulsing. "Yes, sir." Tommy offered. "Drop and give me twenty-five! Maybe then you'll catch the ball." Tommy moved to the side of the running lane and began his twenty-five push-ups. He couldn't help but notice Veronica in the stands giggling with her friend Paula. Her eyes watching him in the mud.

"You ask me, Coach Spencer needs to chill a little. Hit the bong once in a while, you know?" Tommy couldn't keep the suprise from his face when he turned to see Veronica sitting alone on one of the large rocks lining the pathway into the athletics center. "Ah, um, yeah. No. Ah, I guess so." Was all Tommy could muster at that particular moment. He was suprised he could speak at all. Veronica talked to him. Here she was, right in front of him. Her deep red curls, gleaming green eyes, pale milky skin, pink lips, rare freckles, her bright absorbing smile. "Soooooo?" Veronica asked. "Uh, so?" Was Tommy's witty rejoinder. "So are you ever going to get around to asking me out? I've been waiting for weeks now. I keep dropping hints in Philosophy class and so far nothing. I mean I know I'm not a supermodel but I'm not that bad am I?" Veronica had a playful look in her eyes. Tommy responded before he could think, "no. You're beautiful."

Leaving the practice pitch, Tommy noticed nothing. Not the mile long walk to his dorm room. Not the few hundred people he passed on the way. Not the rain that had begun to fall. Not the car that had had to swerve to miss hitting him. Tommy noticed nothing except the address and phone number written on the palm of his hand. It took Nel asking Tommy what the goofy look and stupid grin were all about three times before Tommy even registered that he was in his dorm room and that he was not alone. "Huh?" Nel gave Tommy a quick shot in the shoulder and continued his questioning. "I know Spencer can be a tight-ass but I didn't know that doing a few push-ups can turn you into a drooling idiot. What's up with the facial paralysis, man?" Tommy regain his sense of composure, his goofy smile faded only to be replaced by one of sheer ecstacy. "I've got a date with Veronica tomorrow night. Now where is a pen and paper?"

Over the next few months Tommy and Veronica became inseperable. Their first date had gone amazingly well as far as Tommy was concerned. For starters he was able to talk and walk and secondly he had lined up another date with Veronica for the following Saturday night. It wasn't until their sixth date that they actually began fooling around. It wasn't until their ninth date that they had sex for the first time. Time seemed to fly by. Christmas break came and went as did spring break. Soon after exams were wrapping up and Tommy and Veronica were figuring out how they were going to manage their visits during the summer. Tommy was due to return home to North Bay at the end of April. Veronica was due to return to Pembroke two days before. They spent their last night together at his place as Nel had gone home the day before. It was the first time that they finally said what they had both been feeling for some time now. "I love you."

Veronica couldn't believe her eyes two weeks later when Tommy stepped off the bus. He was here after all. Tommy had managed to find a job in Pembroke and a family willing to rent him a room for the summer. His job was hard work, the hours were long and the pay was lacking but each night Veronica met him at the various job sites with a warm kiss. It wasn't until two days before Tommy was to return home for a couple of weeks before school started that he was introduced to Veronica's parents. The dinner went well and it was made abundantly clear to Tommy that Veronica's dad owned a gun. A fact that Veronica laughed off. Veronica waved bye to the bus as it pulled out of the terminal and headed for the highway.

Every school year and summer passed that way for the next two years. Tommy and Veronica were inseperable during the school year. She was there at all his games, he was at all her recitals. Tommy managed to arrange summer employment with the same construction firm each summer and housing with the same family. Veronica would mope around the house for the two weeks begining and ending the summer that Tommy visited with his family. In between they would laugh and love. Growing and sharing. All the time making plans for the future that they were determined to share together. During the final two weeks of their third summer Veronica returned with Tommy to North Bay and met his family. They were happy.

"Do you think we'll make it when were finally out of here?" Veronica asked one spring night a few weeks before their final set of university exams. "Of course I do. I love you. We love each other. What more do we need? After that the rest is just details." Tommy leaned in and kissed her warmly, passionately, sincerely. On their final night at university Tommy met Veronica at her door. He was dressed in his newly purchased suit which he had bought for his job interview the week before. In his hands he held a bouquet of lillies and orchids, Veronica's favorite. Veronica took the flowers and greeted Tommy with a warm kiss then left him standing in the doorway as she put the flowers in water and grabbed her hand bag. Her slinky red dress really highlited her red hair. Tommy loved that dress. At dinner Tommy told Veronica that he had been offered the job. Veronica was excited for him. They finished dinner and headed for the boardwalk. There they walked in the cool evening breeze as the nearly full moon rose into the sky. They talked about many different things while they walked and held hands. Many of those around them couldn't help but notice the two of them and the loved that they shared. The boardwalk ended at the edge of a park which they followed a path into. There on the crest of a hill as the moonlight filtered through the branches and leaves of an old willow Tommy reached into his pocket and came to a stop. He pulled Veronica close and held her eyes for a moment then began to speak. "Veronica, I love you. Every day that I have spent with you has been more perfect than the last as each holds new promise of another day with you. I want to be with you forever. I want to grow old with you. I want to be the father of your children. I want to hold your hand as we laugh and cry, together." Tommy paused for a brief moment and held up the meager diamond ring which he had scrimped and saved for during the past eighteen months. "Veronica, will you make me happy? Will you be the mother of my children? Will you grow old with me? Will you continue to be my heartbeat until I die? Will you marry me?" Tommy looked into Veronica's eyes as tears streamed down her smooth pale cheeks. "Yes!"

Dreams

Tommy woke to find the sky grey, the ground wet and the air inbetween filled with rain. He thanked the unseen forces once again, this time that his 'home' had withstood the weather. He gathered his meager belongings and waited a few minutes more to see if the rain would let up any, but it didn't and so he forced himself from beneath his cardboard roof and left the alley before the 'people' arrived for work. He had learned long ago to be sure that he was gone before the 'people' began to appear, for once they did they would hurl insults and ridicule, they would force him away with threats and in the end steal another small piece of his humanity; just enough to ensure that he was aware that they were 'people' and he wasn't one of them.

Onto the street, Tommy stepped, being sure not to touch those around him, or was it that they made sure not to touch him? He couldn't tell anymore. People buzzed by in their suits and coats, umbrella's held high so as to show the weather that they were too good to get wet. Tommy pulled his soaking wet hood a little further down over his eyes, bent his head to the ground and kept walking. After a few blocks he reached the shelter that would provide him with some warm porridge and a brief respite from the cold and damp outside.

Meals at the shelter were wierd affairs of silence and longing, furtive glances and paranoia, warmth and smiles. It was still early so there were only a dozen or so people scattered around the room eating their meals. Tommy silently stepped up to the counter and was greeted by an elderly woman with kind eyes and warm smile. Tommy received back the piece of humanity that he had lost on the street last night. "Good morning Tommy," the woman greeted him as she did each morning he showed up. She had a thing for names and would always make a person feel welcome when they arrived. "Good morning Mother Marylin. Thank you for the food." Tommy tried to return her smile but failed. Mother Marylin though was always more taken by the effort than the actual result.

Mother Marylin had started the meal program at the shelter several years before Tommy had even known such a place existed. He couldn't help but thinking over the past as he sat and slowly yet quickly ate his porridge. He had had a wife and kids. He had had a job and a life. He had been a person once. Now he was a collection of rags trying to absorbe the warmth rising from his morning meal. He thought of the first time he met Mother Marylin and where it was that she had found him. He remembered the cold of the night and subconsciously shivered. Mother Marylin had been roaming the streets with the Sister's of her convent, handing out food and blankets to the homeless, offering kindness and humanity to those who so desperately needed both.

"You can have another bowl if you would like Tommy," Mother Marylin's voice called from behind the counter. Tommy looked around and found only a few faces and his bowl empty. He thanked Mother Marylin and was rewarded once again with her aged and wise smile. After finishing off his second bowl of porridge Tommy gathered his things and once again headed out into the rain. It had slowed to a slow drizzle now but the space and pace left behind by the rain was taken up by the people buzzing to and fro on the sidewalk. Tommy made sure to time his exit from the shelter so as not to come in contact with anyone and once again bowed his head to the ground and walked slowly up the street.

Downtown was a good place to sleep because of all the restaurant garbage bins and subway grates. One could get a bit of much needed food and a bit of warmth for the night, but it was not the place to be during the day. During the day it was made clear that you were unwanted, that those around were uncaring and that by virtue of not being one of 'them' you were an unperson. It was for this reason that Tommy walked north across the river to the old part of town where many of the city's homless congregated under bridges, near barrels of fire. When Tommy arrived he was greeted by many stares and a few familiar faces. A couple of people even nodded and made room for him at their barrel.

It was cold for October and with the rain Tommy's cough was beginning to deepen. But the warmth of the fire felt good and warm. After a few minutes he unbundled his pack and produced the necessary pieces of wood that would ensure his space by the fire for the day. The conversation was sparse but poignant as people shared news of those mutual acquaintances. Tommy found out that David had finally given up and killed himself, that Bill had been arrested by the police for shoplifting a loaf of bread and some cheese, and that Ellie had finally died in the hospital two nights before. Tommy stood silently by the fire for many minutes after hearing the news.

Ellie had been the one bright point of life in Tommy's world for a few years now. They had met one night dumpster diving in the same alley and had made an almost instant connection. A connection born out of need, longing, anguish and mutual understanding. Ellie had been the only other woman Tommy had ever been with after his wife had died. She didn't judge him for losing his job or his kids. She didn't judge him for deciding to stay was from them either. No, she merely held him during the long cold night and allowed him to cry. It was then that he was able to do the same for her. They had been good friends, always trying to look out for one another when they could but knowing that survival is a lonely business. Tommy could feel the tears welling up in his eyes at the news of her death. Tommy wished that the heat of the fire could burn them away but they didn't and like he and Ellie they too fell.

Darkness came early now and so Tommy gathered his things and began the trek south to his alley and his home. He hoped that his home would still be there. The rain had let up in the early afternoon but had come back strong in the early evening. The wind picked up and chilled Tommy in his wet clothes. He slipped seemingly invisibly amongst the people on the street. He reached his alley only to find that his home had been crushed by a pile of garbage, so he set about clearing it off and once again trying to set it up so that he might at least be dry during the night. Once that was done he went in search of food and his last meal for the day. As night took over the city Tommy curled up in his box listening to the cars on the street and a rasping cough in his chest. A few days later Mother Marylin was called to the city morgue as she often was and asked if she recognized the body lying on the table. She did. It was Tommy Dougan she said as tears welled in her eyes and they too fell.

And the moral of the story is ...

Tommy sat staring at the wall all the while contemplating the omnipresent and oppressive silence that filled the room. The lonliness that the silence spoke of was overpowering. Tommy took another drink of his beer as the day shifted to night and the muted yellow of the street lights outside his window took the place of the sun. 'Should I do it' Tommy muttered aloud to the silent voices in his head, 'should I really do it?'

Tommy woke the next day to find a message on his answering machine notifying him that his remaining shifts at work had been canceled due to mechanical failure. Great, he thought, the one solid excuse I had is now gone. A few weeks before Tommy had been surfing the internet and had come across one of the many dating sites. He had seen them before, browsed them before, but for some reason this time he created a 'profile' and had actually begun a conversation with a woman. It felt good to have someone interested in him again. It had been over a year since his wife had left and thoughts of being in a new relationship were just starting to break through frosty layers of anguish and despair.

They had talked a few times on the computer. They had even talked a few times over the phone. He thought that she had a sexy voice and tried to picture what the rest of her might be like. They had talked about meeting and so it was that now Tommy was faced with several days off and a perfect opportunity to meet the woman with the sexy voice. After hours of mental debate Tommy decided to throw caution to the wind and hopped in his car.

The drive would take a few hours but so long as he didn't focus too much on what he was actually doing Tommy felt positive that he could make it there. Of course there was the small problem that she did not know he was coming. Tommy tried her phone a few times but only got her answering machine. Undaunted, Tommy continued his trek. He was about an hour away from his destination when she called but his cell phone was dying so he was only able to say that he was on his way and would call her from a pay phone once he got there.

Now what do I do, thought Tommy. How do I control this? I don't even know what she looks like, where she lives, anything. What have I got myself into? Once he reached her hometown he found a local coffee shop and a payphone. He called her up and was told that he could pick her up a friend's place. He knew nothing to say but ok. He followed the directions she had given and a few minutes later pulled into the driveway of a stranger's house. Within seconds a woman came around the corner introducing herself as Julie, the woman he had come to meet. Tommy's first thought was 'the audio and the visual just don't match up'. But he tried not to let his thoughts betray him as he politely greeted her and opened his car door for her.

The drive to her place was somewhat akward but polite conversation flowed and within minutes they had arrived. He pulled into the driveway and was led down to the hole of an apartment that she lived in with her sister. Things were going from bad to worse in Tommy's mind. How the fuck did I get myself into this? he wondered. He listened politely as the two sisters fought over the welfare check that had just come in. He listened silently as they talked about the two guys that the sister had fucked that day, one on the very couch that Tommy was now sitting on. He was regailed with tales of sexual exploits with one loser after another by the sister who lounged on the opposite couch wearing nothing but a threadbare night shirt which allowed Tommy to see more of more than ample body then he would have wanted.

His mind was racing. He was panicked. What have I got myself into? What the fuck am I gonna do? Julie apparently sensing that nothing was wrong, either with her conduct, her sister's or with Tommy decided to excuse herself to shower her rather large body before bed leaving Tommy alone with the questionable sister. 'How am I gonna get out of this?' Tommy wondered.

"So did you have a nice drive?" the sister asked.

"It was okay, not much traffic so it was pretty easy going" Tommy answered. His mind was racing, he had to get out. "I'm just gonna step out to the car for a second. I brought your sister a gift and I wanted it to be a suprise so I didn't bring it in with me."

"Oh, okay" replied the sister who had barely taken her eyes off of the TV.

Tommy got up and moved to the door and was putting on his shoes when he noticed that he had already brought in his bag. Fuck! How am I gonna get that out of here without raising suspicions? He took a quick glance towards the bulbous body lounging on the couch to see if she was watching. Good she wasn't. He quietly lifted his bag and carried outside with him. He got to the car and opened the door, tossed in his bag and was about to start the car when he noticed that the apartment window was open. Shit! Now what? thought Tommy.

He quickly decided to put the car in nuetral and began to push the car out of the driveway. I've got to hurry he thought I can't be caught doing this. Once the car was out of the driveway and stopped he began pushing it down the road trying to get out of earshot of the window. It wasn't until he was nearly a block away that he decided it was safe enough to hop in the car and start the engine. He tore off down the road.

Elation washed over Tommy as he sped down the street but this was fleeting. How did he get back to the highway? How would he get home? He was lost. He had no clue where he was. Luck was with Tommy for at the next stop light was a convenience store and inside a cop who gave him directions that would speed Tommy home.

Tommy drove through the night, only stopping for gas and coffee. He couldn't rest till he reached the safety of his home. At nearly 4 in the morning Tommy locked his door behind him and was once again enveloped in oppresive silence and its subsequent lonliness. He had never been happier.

And the moral of the story?

Be sure to buy a car that is light enough to be pushed by yourself because you never know when you might need to run with it in nuetral down a strange street in a strange town in order to escape two less than appealing sisters.

Ahhh sweet, sweet poverty.

With all the hullabaloo surrounding this past weekend's Live 8 concerts and their aim at bringing awareness to the richest in the world (the G8 nations: Canada, U.S., Britain, France, Italy, Russia, Japan, Germany) concerning the plight of those who are the poorest in the world (Haiti, Chad, Moldova, Liberia, Guatemala, Madagascar, Bolivia, Angola, Mozambique, Burundi) I thought that I would toss my 2 cents into the collective hat of useless opinion.

First off I truly don't think that the Live 8 event will have much impact upon the G8 nations who are presently meeting in Scotland, nor do I believe that they will truly have a lasting impact upon the consciousness of us who live in rich countries.

Second, I'd like to discuss the issue of poverty in 2 ways. Firstly concerning "3rd world" poverty and what "1st world" nations can do to help and secondly I'd like to talk a little about poverty here in Canada.

There is a call amongst rich nations to committ to giving 0.7% of their GDP to foreign aid. Here are some numbers using the CIA World Fact Book.
http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/

Country - (2004) GDP - Foreign Aid(0.7% GDP)
Canada: $1.023 trillion - $7.161 billion
U.S.: $11.75 trillion - $82.25 billion
Britain: $1.782 trillion - $12.474 billion
France: $1.737 trillion - $12.159 billion
Italy: $1.609 trillion - $11.263 billion
Germany: $2.362 trillion - $16.534 billion
Japan: $3.745 trillion - $26.215 billion
Russia: $1.408 trillion - $9.856 billion
Total: $25.146 trillion - $177.912 billion

That is a lot of money! Just as a point of interest the estimated wealth of the world is $55.5 trillion! With over 200 seperate nations in the world its stagering to consider that only 8 countries control 45.3% of all the money in the world! In other words 13.4% of the world's population (G8 nations population approximately 861 008 786 - the world's approximate population 6 446 131 400) controls 45.3% of the world's wealth.

Now if we were to give that much money (and that is a big if) it would be imperative that that money made it to those in the most need. Here are some more numbers for you from another informative site (Nation Master: http://www.nationmaster.com/index.php). The following is a list of the G8 nations and the percentage of their foreign aid/development money that actually goes to the poorest nations.

Canada: 37%
U.S.: 30%
France: 30%
Britain: 41%
Germany: 31%
Italy: 41%
Japan: 20%
Russia: ?

So for actual change to occur in these poor countries the rich nations need to meet this call for 0.7% GDP aid and to increase the actual amount that goes to the countries that need it the most. The question I have then is would you be willing to pay more in taxes to ensure that these goals are met? If you are I encourage you to contact your representative politician and tell them so.

Now for something closer to home.

I was crunching some numbers the other day and wanted to share what I found out with others. In 1993 Canada set the minimum wage at $6.85/hr. If you worked a full time job (2000 hours a year) you would gross $13, 700. This I believe to be a fairly good estimate of the poverty line in Canada. Given that inflation averages about 3% a year the poverty line has increased as follows during the previous 12 years.

Year - Poverty Line - Minimum Wage - Difference
1993 - $13,700 - $13,700 - $0
1994 - $14,111 - $13,700 - ($411)
1995 - $14,534.33 - $13,700 - ($834.33)
1996 - $14970.36 - $13,700 - ($1270.36)
1997 - $15419.47 - $13,700 - ($1,719.47)
1998 - $15,882.05 - $13,700 - ($2,182.05)
1999 - $16358.51 - $13,700 - ($2,658.51)
2000 - $16,849.27 - $13,700 - ($3,149.27)
2001 - $17,354.75 - $13,700 - ($3,654.75)
2002 - $17,875.39 - $13,700 - ($4,175.39)
2003 - $18411.65 - $13,700 - ($4,711.65)
2004 - $18,964 - $14,200 - ($4,764)
2005 - $19,532.92 - $14,200 - ($5332.92)

So as one can see until the minimum wage was raised to $7.10/hr in 2004 if you worked a full-time job in Ontario and made minimum wage you dropped approximately $500 below the poverty line each year. So now we have a system where a person can work a full time job and it is legal to pay a person a wage which will place them in poverty. This is shamefull considering we are one of the richest countries in the world.

If we were to start back in 1993 and had tied the minimum wage to inflation, so that the minimum wage would increase each year in relation to the raise in the cost of living, the minimum wage would have increased as follows (assuming an average inflation of 3% as above).

Year - Minimum wage / hr. - Annual income
1993 - $6.85 - $13,700
1994 - $7.06 - $14,120
1995 - $7.27 - $14,540
1996 - $7.49 - $14,980
1997 - $7.71 - $15,420
1998 - $7.94 - $15,880
1999 - $8.18 - $16,360
2000 - $8.43 - $16,860
2001 - $8.68 - $17,360
2002 - $8.94 - $17,880
2003 - $9.21 - $18,420
2004 - $9.49 - $18,980
2005 - $9.78 - $19,560

As you can see the difference between the minimum wage in 2005 and the poverty line in 2005 would actually be $27.08. A positive! In my opinion given such numbers the idea that the present minimum wage system in Ontario is criminal. As we all know money has a direct impact upon a person's quality of life. The fact that we allow a system that permits people to live a life of poverty when they work a full time job is absurd. We are a rich country and we should be looking after our own citizens far better than we currently are.

However there seems to be something of a silver lining in all of this. While we seem unwilling to put our money where our mouth is concerning the poorest in the world, those whom we don't see day in and day out, we seem just as unwilling to support those people living in poverty right here at home. People who pay their taxes and contribute to the vast wealth that is Canada. So you can see that its not a case of we don't care about foreign poor, its a case where we simply don't care about the poor period.

Context

Sorry to the 1 or 2 people out there who may actually read these posts for not updating in a while. I have been properly repremanded and lashed for my recalcitrance.

The other day I was reading an article by noted Christian author Phillip Yancey. He was writing about the difference concerning the attitudes amongst western Christians and eastern Christians, notably those in China. He pointed out that when he attends prayer meetings throughout the US, one of the main requests is for physical healing or relief from suffering. When he had a chance to travel to China and talk with Christian leaders there, he asked them if they prayed for relief from their government. No was the answer he received.

Christian leaders of the underground house churches in China had an understanding that they would suffer for their belief and as such counted it as part of their lives. They talked of 2 Christian leaders there who were imprisoned for their faith. The first after serving 30 years in jail coupling and uncoupling train cars (apparently a fairly dangerous occupation) thanked his friends for their prayers for his health and safety. The second man was imprisoned for his faith but while in jail found out that his wife was dying and as such renounced his faith so that he could be released from jail and go to her. Once out of jail the man regretted his decision and turned himself back in to authorities and spent 30 years in jail.

What caught me about the stories was the difference in attitude amongst those in what we consider developing countries with ours here in North America. I complain regularily concerning my lack of money. In a NA context I make very little and live marginally above the poverty line. I complain about my debt totaling ten's of thousands of dollars and the burden that that has upon my finances. Then I think about a man my age living in Botswana and realize that he probably could not conceive of being able to borrow upwards of $40,000 let alone make nearly $30,000 a year. In NA I am reletively poor, in Africa I would fairly wealthy. Perception is all in the context.

I was talking with a former co-worker one night concerning feminism and I thought he made a good point. Feminism is a movement spearheaded by mostly wealthy, educated white women. While women of all races and creeds have joined the movement over the last 20 years in the west the ideals that they espouse are the ideals of wealthy, educated white women. They fight for legalized abortion, equal pay for equal work, etc. All ideas of potential worth to western women. Yet the point of disconnect is that these western women see feminism as a worldwide movement and claim to be fighting for their sisters around the globe. However women in Africa, South America and Asia aren't too worried about these things as they are more concerned with such things as eating, not being raped, shelter, etc. It's the context.

As westerner's (I'm stereotyping here) we are the spoiled rich kids of the world. We cry and whine for things that in the larger context of the world are quite trivial. I'm not trying to diminish the realities of personal pain and tragedy, this occurs around the world, but while I complain about making under $30,000 a year, there are millions that can only dream of making that much. Of course there are people in our own societies that are disadvantaged. Homelessness is a major problem facing many NA cities and each year we can read about homeless people dying on the streets (especially during the winter months). However we have homeless shelters which provide their residents with an x-box.

In the end it comes down to context. In a world wide context we are incredibly rich and priviledged. The poor in NA are the well off in other areas of the world. So while we consider problems that many in the world cannot even conceive of having to deal with because they are too busy trying to eat, I encourage each of us to be thankful that we are born in such a rich part of the world and have such luxuries. Because in the end, I seriously doubt that the poor farmer in Tanzania is going to have the opportunity to read this.