New Years eve is here and as usual it holds no significance for me. I've never been a big New Years person, most often I'm in bed before the clock ticks over and a new year begins. Its just another day really and as such I've rarely given it any significance beyond that. However since I started this blog a little over three years ago I've taken to putting down some reflections on the year past and even a few thoughts on the year to come.
In terms of where I'm at in life little has changed. I still work for a place I hate the reasons for which are threefold. First its a paycheck. Second I get to work nights exclusively which allows me to attend classes in the evening. Third, there are still some opportunities for helping people, although those are getting more and more scarce. I am still in school but I'm a few months away from being finished. I have two months worth of classes and six weeks of practicum to finish off and then I'm done. I'll be a qualified teacher. Having started this in 2001 its nice to have the end in sight.
I finished another teaching placement back in Novemeber. I was placed in a grade four class where I taught geometry and phys ed. Both were actually quite fun and illuminating. I've since gone back and I now volunteer there on Friday afternoons. I find that even that little bit helps to keep me a little bit saner. If I had nothing other than my job on which to judge reality I would surely end up mad.
All in all it was a rather boring an uneventful 2007.
2008 and though has the potential to be quite different.
The first major thing to happen in 2008 is that I will gain another niece, as my younger sister and her husband are expecting their first child. They have chosen the name Violet Analise. I'm told that that took quite a bit of wrangling and negotiation.
The second major thing to happen in 2008 will by me graduating teacher's college. I've been working towards this for so long that it seems a bit unreal that it is so close to finally being over.
The third thing will (hopefully) be my moving off to Korea. I had been thinking a lot about moving to England to teach for a couple years but I don't qualify for a visa so plans have shifted towards Korea. I know a number of people that are either there or have gone and they all rave about the experience. I want to mix things up life wise and I want to travel a bit and this seems like a really good fit. It would also allow me to quit my job far sooner than I had originally anticipated and would allow me to get rid of all my student debt relatively quickly. As things stand now I'm planning on an early July departure. If this does come aobut, if I don't completely chicken out, this will be a huge move for me and a truly unique experience and challenge. I hope that I'm up to it.
Well that's it. Pretty short really, but with no real changes or events in one's life recounting it is a rather short endeavor.
Good luck to everyone in 2008. May you stay safe, have fun and know love.
***
Now for the rather personal stuff, but something that I feel I need to express even if its merely to the ether.
I've come to the realization recently that I no longer trust God in the small things. I don't doubt his existence nor do I doubt his word but I have come to find that I no longer trust God to act in the minutae of everyday life. Why?
I have, as the apostle Paul has put it, a thorn in the flesh. I'm not going to share with anyone what that particular thorn is, at least not here, but it is something that I have suffered with for as long as I can remember. Its been an ever present and while I may have experienced moments of reprieve I've never triumphed over this 'thorn'. Often I use it as an excuse for attitudes that I hold or reasons for inaction, but in reality they all come from me not the thorn.
I, like Paul, have fought with it, asked God to remove it but have continued to suffer through it. It taints virtually every aspect of my life and while I think (hope) that I am able to wear the appropriate masks that hide this thorn from those around me, I am still forced to deal with it.
It hit me recently that I have given up on asking for God to act in my life. I've come to doubt that he will. Not only as it pertains the thorn but in all things. This hurts.
I was recently talking with a friend concerning Fred Phelps and whether or not he is a Christian and I spoke of James 2:14-26 which says:
14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?
15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food.
16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?
17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.
19You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
20You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?
21Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar?
22You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did.
23And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend.
24You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.
25In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction?
26As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.
This got me to thinking about myself in relation to this passage and looking at how my actions reflect my faith. If I were to use a fire as a metaphore where a blazing bonfire might reprsent a person such as Mother Theresa, in terms of how I act my faith would be reprsented by smouldering embers.
I believe in God and hold to him in an intelectual way but in a material way I doubt that anyone would be able to discern that I am a Christian or that I have faith in God. This is a great departure from how Christ was and what Christ talked about. The problem I find myself in now is what do I do?
Hopefully 2008 will see a change in this aspect of my life for the better.
