Dreams

Tommy woke to find the sky grey, the ground wet and the air inbetween filled with rain. He thanked the unseen forces once again, this time that his 'home' had withstood the weather. He gathered his meager belongings and waited a few minutes more to see if the rain would let up any, but it didn't and so he forced himself from beneath his cardboard roof and left the alley before the 'people' arrived for work. He had learned long ago to be sure that he was gone before the 'people' began to appear, for once they did they would hurl insults and ridicule, they would force him away with threats and in the end steal another small piece of his humanity; just enough to ensure that he was aware that they were 'people' and he wasn't one of them.

Onto the street, Tommy stepped, being sure not to touch those around him, or was it that they made sure not to touch him? He couldn't tell anymore. People buzzed by in their suits and coats, umbrella's held high so as to show the weather that they were too good to get wet. Tommy pulled his soaking wet hood a little further down over his eyes, bent his head to the ground and kept walking. After a few blocks he reached the shelter that would provide him with some warm porridge and a brief respite from the cold and damp outside.

Meals at the shelter were wierd affairs of silence and longing, furtive glances and paranoia, warmth and smiles. It was still early so there were only a dozen or so people scattered around the room eating their meals. Tommy silently stepped up to the counter and was greeted by an elderly woman with kind eyes and warm smile. Tommy received back the piece of humanity that he had lost on the street last night. "Good morning Tommy," the woman greeted him as she did each morning he showed up. She had a thing for names and would always make a person feel welcome when they arrived. "Good morning Mother Marylin. Thank you for the food." Tommy tried to return her smile but failed. Mother Marylin though was always more taken by the effort than the actual result.

Mother Marylin had started the meal program at the shelter several years before Tommy had even known such a place existed. He couldn't help but thinking over the past as he sat and slowly yet quickly ate his porridge. He had had a wife and kids. He had had a job and a life. He had been a person once. Now he was a collection of rags trying to absorbe the warmth rising from his morning meal. He thought of the first time he met Mother Marylin and where it was that she had found him. He remembered the cold of the night and subconsciously shivered. Mother Marylin had been roaming the streets with the Sister's of her convent, handing out food and blankets to the homeless, offering kindness and humanity to those who so desperately needed both.

"You can have another bowl if you would like Tommy," Mother Marylin's voice called from behind the counter. Tommy looked around and found only a few faces and his bowl empty. He thanked Mother Marylin and was rewarded once again with her aged and wise smile. After finishing off his second bowl of porridge Tommy gathered his things and once again headed out into the rain. It had slowed to a slow drizzle now but the space and pace left behind by the rain was taken up by the people buzzing to and fro on the sidewalk. Tommy made sure to time his exit from the shelter so as not to come in contact with anyone and once again bowed his head to the ground and walked slowly up the street.

Downtown was a good place to sleep because of all the restaurant garbage bins and subway grates. One could get a bit of much needed food and a bit of warmth for the night, but it was not the place to be during the day. During the day it was made clear that you were unwanted, that those around were uncaring and that by virtue of not being one of 'them' you were an unperson. It was for this reason that Tommy walked north across the river to the old part of town where many of the city's homless congregated under bridges, near barrels of fire. When Tommy arrived he was greeted by many stares and a few familiar faces. A couple of people even nodded and made room for him at their barrel.

It was cold for October and with the rain Tommy's cough was beginning to deepen. But the warmth of the fire felt good and warm. After a few minutes he unbundled his pack and produced the necessary pieces of wood that would ensure his space by the fire for the day. The conversation was sparse but poignant as people shared news of those mutual acquaintances. Tommy found out that David had finally given up and killed himself, that Bill had been arrested by the police for shoplifting a loaf of bread and some cheese, and that Ellie had finally died in the hospital two nights before. Tommy stood silently by the fire for many minutes after hearing the news.

Ellie had been the one bright point of life in Tommy's world for a few years now. They had met one night dumpster diving in the same alley and had made an almost instant connection. A connection born out of need, longing, anguish and mutual understanding. Ellie had been the only other woman Tommy had ever been with after his wife had died. She didn't judge him for losing his job or his kids. She didn't judge him for deciding to stay was from them either. No, she merely held him during the long cold night and allowed him to cry. It was then that he was able to do the same for her. They had been good friends, always trying to look out for one another when they could but knowing that survival is a lonely business. Tommy could feel the tears welling up in his eyes at the news of her death. Tommy wished that the heat of the fire could burn them away but they didn't and like he and Ellie they too fell.

Darkness came early now and so Tommy gathered his things and began the trek south to his alley and his home. He hoped that his home would still be there. The rain had let up in the early afternoon but had come back strong in the early evening. The wind picked up and chilled Tommy in his wet clothes. He slipped seemingly invisibly amongst the people on the street. He reached his alley only to find that his home had been crushed by a pile of garbage, so he set about clearing it off and once again trying to set it up so that he might at least be dry during the night. Once that was done he went in search of food and his last meal for the day. As night took over the city Tommy curled up in his box listening to the cars on the street and a rasping cough in his chest. A few days later Mother Marylin was called to the city morgue as she often was and asked if she recognized the body lying on the table. She did. It was Tommy Dougan she said as tears welled in her eyes and they too fell.