I look into a mirror dimly

New Years eve is here and as usual it holds no significance for me. I've never been a big New Years person, most often I'm in bed before the clock ticks over and a new year begins. Its just another day really and as such I've rarely given it any significance beyond that. However since I started this blog a little over three years ago I've taken to putting down some reflections on the year past and even a few thoughts on the year to come.

In terms of where I'm at in life little has changed. I still work for a place I hate the reasons for which are threefold. First its a paycheck. Second I get to work nights exclusively which allows me to attend classes in the evening. Third, there are still some opportunities for helping people, although those are getting more and more scarce. I am still in school but I'm a few months away from being finished. I have two months worth of classes and six weeks of practicum to finish off and then I'm done. I'll be a qualified teacher. Having started this in 2001 its nice to have the end in sight.

I finished another teaching placement back in Novemeber. I was placed in a grade four class where I taught geometry and phys ed. Both were actually quite fun and illuminating. I've since gone back and I now volunteer there on Friday afternoons. I find that even that little bit helps to keep me a little bit saner. If I had nothing other than my job on which to judge reality I would surely end up mad.

All in all it was a rather boring an uneventful 2007.

2008 and though has the potential to be quite different.

The first major thing to happen in 2008 is that I will gain another niece, as my younger sister and her husband are expecting their first child. They have chosen the name Violet Analise. I'm told that that took quite a bit of wrangling and negotiation.

The second major thing to happen in 2008 will by me graduating teacher's college. I've been working towards this for so long that it seems a bit unreal that it is so close to finally being over.

The third thing will (hopefully) be my moving off to Korea. I had been thinking a lot about moving to England to teach for a couple years but I don't qualify for a visa so plans have shifted towards Korea. I know a number of people that are either there or have gone and they all rave about the experience. I want to mix things up life wise and I want to travel a bit and this seems like a really good fit. It would also allow me to quit my job far sooner than I had originally anticipated and would allow me to get rid of all my student debt relatively quickly. As things stand now I'm planning on an early July departure. If this does come aobut, if I don't completely chicken out, this will be a huge move for me and a truly unique experience and challenge. I hope that I'm up to it.

Well that's it. Pretty short really, but with no real changes or events in one's life recounting it is a rather short endeavor.

Good luck to everyone in 2008. May you stay safe, have fun and know love.

***

Now for the rather personal stuff, but something that I feel I need to express even if its merely to the ether.

I've come to the realization recently that I no longer trust God in the small things. I don't doubt his existence nor do I doubt his word but I have come to find that I no longer trust God to act in the minutae of everyday life. Why?

I have, as the apostle Paul has put it, a thorn in the flesh. I'm not going to share with anyone what that particular thorn is, at least not here, but it is something that I have suffered with for as long as I can remember. Its been an ever present and while I may have experienced moments of reprieve I've never triumphed over this 'thorn'. Often I use it as an excuse for attitudes that I hold or reasons for inaction, but in reality they all come from me not the thorn.

I, like Paul, have fought with it, asked God to remove it but have continued to suffer through it. It taints virtually every aspect of my life and while I think (hope) that I am able to wear the appropriate masks that hide this thorn from those around me, I am still forced to deal with it.

It hit me recently that I have given up on asking for God to act in my life. I've come to doubt that he will. Not only as it pertains the thorn but in all things. This hurts.

I was recently talking with a friend concerning Fred Phelps and whether or not he is a Christian and I spoke of James 2:14-26 which says:

14What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him?

15Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food.

16If one of you says to him, "Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it?

17In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

18But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

19You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.

20You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?

21Was not our ancestor Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar?

22You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did.

23And the scripture was fulfilled that says, "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness," and he was called God's friend.

24You see that a person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.

25In the same way, was not even Rahab the prostitute considered righteous for what she did when she gave lodging to the spies and sent them off in a different direction?

26As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.

This got me to thinking about myself in relation to this passage and looking at how my actions reflect my faith. If I were to use a fire as a metaphore where a blazing bonfire might reprsent a person such as Mother Theresa, in terms of how I act my faith would be reprsented by smouldering embers.

I believe in God and hold to him in an intelectual way but in a material way I doubt that anyone would be able to discern that I am a Christian or that I have faith in God. This is a great departure from how Christ was and what Christ talked about. The problem I find myself in now is what do I do?

Hopefully 2008 will see a change in this aspect of my life for the better.

I'm so un-Canadian

I had decided quite a while ago that when I have kids I won't put them in hockey. I won't encourage them to play nor will I probably watch the games with them. This is just so very un-Canadian where many towns have a hockey rink and nothing else, but the growing violence not only in the professional game but in the minors as well has shown me that hockey is not something I want my children involved in.

There are many examples that one can site from the pro game. The McSorely two-handed slash to Donald Brashir's head



and Todd Bertuzzi's attack of Steven Moore



come most readily to mind, but the fact is that the game promotes fighting and needless violence as part of its product. As such kids are emulating their professional role models at younger and younger ages. Not to mention the adults who were failed hockey stars themselves that end up in fights at the rink in support of their child.

I used to go and watch my cousin's son play hockey. I watched him from about the age of 5 to 8 and I was appalled by the actions of both the players and the parents. I would watch as 7 year old kids were being yelled at by their parents to hit kids from behind. I'd watch as parents would have excessive arguments in the stands. I'd watch as parent would verbally harrass referrees after the game or as parent verbally harrassed a coach if they felt their son wasn't getting the ice time that the parent deserved.

Hockey should be fun for the kids and I'm sure it is for many but the minority that ruin the game for everyone is growing. I played hockey from the time I was 4 till the time I was 18. I enjoyed playing but I can remember being threatened with being beat up after the game for having hit a particular player or having numerous sticks broken over my body by other players. I can remember watching Hockey Night in Canada with my Grandmother each Saturday night. But these are not things I'm going to share with my children if given the chance.

Why?

Well another example has cropped up to cement in me my decision to keep my kids from hockey. A game involving 8 year olds ended in a bench clearing brawl after the two coaches got into a fight.

"Police say criminal charges could be laid following a weekend bench-clearing hockey brawl between two teams of eight-year-old players."

The game has become nothing but a breeding ground for mindless violence, all of which is glorified every Saturday night on the CBC. We are told that this is Canada's game, well I guess I'm just un-Canadian.

Because it's right

Thanks to a friend I was able to watch the documentary The Devil Came on Horseback about the genocide that has been and continues to occur in the Darfur region of the Sudan. I have posted about this before and feel compelled to do so again.

The thing that I don't understand is how people, and I count myself as part of this group, can look in the mirror and claim to be a good person and yet do nothing to end the suffering of people anywhere. Thirteen years ago the world sat back and watched as a genocide occured in Rwanda and did nothing but offer platitudes and appologies for the fact that we did nothing to end the attrocities that were occuring. After the killing was finished we stood upon our soapbox and decried the violence and told the world that this would not happen again, not on our watch. Well guess what we are a bunch of liars.

For nearly four years the systematic murder, rape and destruction of the black African tribes of the Darfur region of the Sudan has been occuring at the hands of the Janjaweed. We see the pictures, we hear the stories and we shed a tear or offer up a moment of prayer and then worry about not having an iPod or where we are going on Friday night. If these people were white would we care more? Would we do something then? Is our lack of caring, our lack of a response a racist response?

Sure it is easy to throw up our hands and ask 'what can I do? I'm nobody. I have no power.' and then change the discussion towards what happened on the latest episode of Survivor. But that is a real question, an important question. What can we do? The current state of the world dictates that action of this nature has to come from a nation, a nation responsible to its people. This necesitates that we as a people stand up and tell our governments to stand up and end the genocide.

I can understand to some extent why people have been hesitant to enter the fray in Darfur. Its really a no win situation from a public relations stand point. When the US and other countries sent in troops to end the violence in Ethiopia they were vilified for either their actions or their inaction. They were vilified as colonial powers enforcing their will on the African people. So when Rwanda was going up in flames, the powers sat back and were vilified for doing nothing and allowing the genocide to occur. Then they went into Kosovo in a limited manner and were vilified for either not doing enough or doing things the wrong way. If the west (Canada, America, Britain, France, Germany, etc.) were to send troops into Darfur, what would happen? What would China's response be? What would Russia's response be? Should we even be concerned with such things considering the attrocities that are being committed?

I guess I'm not too suprised by the level of inaction concerning Darfur. One only needs to walk down the streets of any western city to see the level of apathy we have for people. The richest countries in the world allow their own people to starve and go homeless. We are a society of me, me, me, me, me. A society of me, myself and I. There is no room for you or you or you. If I had to care about strangers that might force me to change, that might force me to sacrifice, that might force me to put someone else's concerns ahead of my own. I recently read the book Old Turtle and the Broken Truth to a grade four class and talked about things such as empathy, compassion, and understanding. We talked about how even though we may have different coloured skin or have different ways of doing things but that doesn't change the fact that we are all people and as such we need to care for one another. We talked about the golden rule. If 9 year old children can understand such things why can't we as adults?

It's complicated. The Sudanese government doesn't want us there. It's half a world away. I know all of these things but sometimes we need to stand up and do what is right, simply because it is right and bear the consequences as best we can. So I call upon you to educate yourself concerning Darfur. I call upon you to contact your political representative and tell them to do what is right for the people of Darfur and for humanity. I call upon you to make your will known with your pocketbook and boycott the Beijing olympics and to put pressure on those who wish to make money on the genocide in Darfur (namely the tv companies that will be broadcasting the olympics) to end their relationship with the Beijing olympics until Beijing uses its finanical clout to pressure the Sudanese government to end the genocide. I call on you to help spread the word an to educate those around you concerning this issue and to how they too can help to make a difference.

I call on you, and me, to do what is right simply because it is the right thing to do.

Lest we forget

November 11th, Remembrance Day.

The one day each year that we said aside time from our busy lives to recognize, remember and acknowledge the sacrifice of those who have taken up the call to arms so that the vast majority of us would not have to. So that we could enjoy our freedom and liberty, so that we can be proud to consider ourselves Canadian. We remember those who long ago in distant lands fought, we remember those who died, we remember those who sacrificed their sons and daughters, their mothers and fathers, their husbands and wives. We wear the poppy a sign of that remembrance and we give two minutes to silently ponder.

Like many others at this time I think of my grandfather who went to war when his nation called. He stormed the beaches of Normandy and lost many friends in horrific ways. He was lucky, he came home, but he wasn't the same. He was battered and broken inside. He sacrificed himself so that others might live in freedom as I do today.

Thank you, grand pa.

Theoretical equality

When I first became a Christian I was deeply attracted to and interested in apologists, those who defend the faith. I listened to tapes and read books but such leading apologists as Walter Martin, perhaps the most famous defender of Christian orthodoxy from Christian cults. My interest in such thing waned though over the years till recently when an interest in apologetics has once again been kindled. This time though the focus is not Christian cults but rather atheists.

To be honest I don't really care what you believe. Believe in God? Great. Don't believe in God? Wonderful. It matters little to me. I have no problem sharing my faith with those who are interested but I don't make it a point of conversation. I know the effect that Christ Jesus has had on me, I see the changes that have been wrought in my life for the better and I'm more than willing to help people understand Christianity or my faith more clearly (well as clearly as I can, I am far from perfect or omnicient) but I'm not going to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't believe when it comes to God.

This is where the atheists come in. I find it interesting that take such great pleasure in putting religion in general and Christianity in particular on trial at every conceivable moment. Did you know that religion is the primary cause of all suffering and death on the planet? Did you know that such an assertion is laughable in its brazen falcity? Well, it is. Atheists love to trot out subjects such as the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition and religious violence during the Reformation as prime examples of religion's devastating impact upon humanity and society. It is unfortunate though that they are unwilling to acknowledge the fact that recent scholarship has shown us that the supposed death tolls of such actions are quite less than what is popularly believed. Take the Spanish Inquisition as an example. People will say that hundreds of thousands of people were put to death in the name of religion. This is not true. That is not to say that people did not die, but Inquisition scholarship of the past forty years has shown clearly that the death toll was more in line with ten to twenty-five thousand. That is of course tragic but the numbers matter in a sense, especially when one looks at the death tolls compiled by such atheistic dictators as Josef Stalin and Mao Zedong. Those two people alone were responsible for the deaths of tens of millions of people.

Atheists though argue that such actions were not done in the name of atheism and therefore don't count. This is of course a falacy. It was Karl Marx himself that said that religion was the opiate of the masses and needed to be iradicated if the socialist utopia was to be realized. People were specifically targeted by such communist/atheist dictators because of their religion. Instead atheists argue that those people were killed in order to promote or protect some sense of socio/cultural homogeneity. Of course they discount such an idea when it is brought forth in a discussion concerning the Spanish Inquisition or the Reformation. In those cases it was clearly a case of blood thristy religious zealots. Such intellectual dishonesty.

Now we come to such bright lights of the atheist community such as Christopher Hitchens, who fights the good fight against such blood thirsty zealots so that people can think as he thinks. Its unfortunate though that he is in reality a blood thirsty zealot himself. The following was taken from a recent talk given by Hitchens.

Then it was Hitchens at his most bellicose. He told us what the most serious threat to the West was (and you know this line already): it was Islam. Then he accused the audience of being soft on Islam, of being the kind of vague atheists who refuse to see the threat for what it was, a clash of civilizations, and of being too weak to do what was necessary, which was to spill blood to defeat the enemy. Along the way he told us who his choice for president was right now —
Rudy Giuliani — and that Obama was a fool, Clinton was a pandering closet fundamentalist, and that he was less than thrilled about all the support among the FFRF for the Democratic party. We cannot afford to allow the Iranian theocracy to arm itself with nuclear weapons (something I entirely sympathize with), and that the only solution is to go in there with bombs and marines and blow it all up. The way to win the war is to kill so many Moslems that they begin to question whether they can bear the mounting casualties.

It was simplistic us-vs.-them thinking at its worst, and the only solution he had to offer was death and destruction of the enemy.

This was made even more clear in the Q&A. He was asked to consider the possibility that bombing and killing was only going to accomplish an increase in the number of people opposing us. Hitchens accused the questioner of being incredibly stupid (the question was not well-phrased, I'll agree, but it was clear what he meant), and said that it was obvious that every Moslem you kill means there is one less Moslem to fight you … which is only true if you assume
that every Moslem already wants to kill Americans and is armed and willing to do so. I think that what is obvious is that most Moslems are primarily interested in living a life of contentment with their families and their work, and that an America committed to slaughter is a tactic that will only convince more of them to join in opposition to us.

Basically, what Hitchens was proposing is genocide. Or, at least, wholesale execution of the population of the Moslem world until they are sufficiently cowed and frightened and depleted that they are unable to resist us in any way, ever again.

...

This whole last third of his talk had me concerned about the first part. He had just told us in strong terms about the failures of religion and its detrimental effect on our culture, and now he was explaining to us how the solution in the Middle East was to simply kill everyone who disagreed with you. He didn't relate the two parts of his talk, which was unfortunate. I'd like to
know whether he thinks the way atheists ought to end religion in America is to start shooting Baptists, or whether he sees other ways to educate and enlighten … in which case I wonder why he doesn't see any virtue in applying those same methods to Islam. I didn't ask the question since the line for the microphone was long, and I had a depressing feeling that the solution would involve sending the Baptists over to Iraq to kill and be killed.

This is not my freethought movement. The Hitchens solution is not my solution.

I could tell that he did not have the sympathy of most of the audience at this point. There were a scattered few who applauded wildly at every mention of bombing the Iranians, but the majority were stunned into silence. People were leaving — I heard one woman sing a few bars of "Onward, Christian soldiers" as she left to mock his strategy. The questions were all angry or disputative, and were all dismissed with comments about the audience's intelligence. The answers were always, "War, war, war," and that we weren't good atheists if we didn't agree with murder as the answer. He seemed unable to comprehend that people could despise and oppose all religion, Christian, Moslem, or otherwise, yet have no desire to triumph by causing physical harm to the believers. I've noticed the same intellectual blindness in many Christians, actually.

I can understand when people point to people such as Fred Phelps and cast derision upon him. I find it confusing that supposedly smart people can't understand that just because people such as Phelps say that they are doing something in the name of religion doesn't mean that what they are doing is supported by that religion. I find it dishonest for these same people to then turn a blind eye on such comments as above by Hitchens and try to argue them away. If Christianity and Christians are to be reviled because of the actions of such people as Phelps then so to should atheism and atheists be reviled because of the actions of Hitchens.

This of course would get us nowhere and is nonsense, but I think it points to a basic lack of theoretical equality in our society when it comes to religion and society. Phelps does not represent me and he doesn't represent Christianity despite what he might say. If someone can't understand that then they are either a moron or willfully ignorant. Just as Hitchens and his call for the genocide of Muslims doesn't represent atheism or all atheists.

Perhaps if we spent less time trying to tear one another down and instead simply talked with one another we would be much better off.

The banality of evil

"The banality of evil." When historian Hannah Arendt wrote this she was reflecting on the trial of famous Nazi war criminal Adolph Eichman and how the horrors of the holocaust were not committed by fanatical zealots but rather the genocide perpetrated by the Nazi regime was carried out by everyday people like you and me. They weren't aborations of human existence but rather they serve as reminders to us all to how far everyday people can fall into depravity and evil. Recently a new album has come to light detailing Nazi SS guards on vacation from their daily duties at Auschwitz.

They are seen singing and laughing, playing music and lounging on deck chairs. They look like people on vacation, having fun and relaxing. You can see them running from an unexpected rain shower or lighting a Christmas tree. You can see them take part in a sing-a-long or play with their pet dog or a group of women enjoying some blueberries or men at a dinner party. They don't look like monsters except for their uniforms that have now become symbols of evil and the attrocities that they committed against humanity.

The album was found in Frankfurt German during the war by an American intelligence officer who decided to keep the album for himself. He recently bequeathed it to the Holocaust Museum. While the pictures contained in the album help to hammer home Hannah Arendt's claim, it also helps to shed a light on a great injustice. The album belonged to SS officer Karl Hoecker who worked at Auschwitz as an adjutant to the camp commander. Hoecker was tried for war crimes after the war but was only sentenced to seven years in prison because they could find no witnesses to his crimes. If the authorities had had this album he would have been sentenced to life rather than being allowed to return to his life as a banker who died in 2000 at the age of 88.

The other horrible miscarriage of justice that was perpetrated due to this intelligence officer's desire for a personal memento was that the only known photographs of Josef Mengele are contained within its pages. Mengele, known as the Angel of Death, was never located in Germany after the war. Instead he was able to flee to Argentina and then Brazil where he eventually died of a stroke while playing at the beach. If the authorities had had this album they would have known what Mengele looked like and perhaps could have captured him sooner or later, much like the afore mentioned Eichman.

To see the album click here.

For an article concerning the collection by CBC columnist Heather Mallick click here.

An ode to pebby pepps

Well he did it. From the outside it always looked like the right, simple, easy and obvious thing to do but I know that on the inside it was never simple or easy. By all accounts my friend left for Korea on Saturday. I say by all accounts because I can't reach him so I have to assume that he left on Saturday as that is when he told me he was scheduled to leave. So by now he should be in Korea, getting situated in his new apartment and wondering what the hell he got himself into. I have to give him credit, it took a lot for him to make the decision to go.


Of all the people that I have worked with over the last several years he is the one that I related with the most. He had a rather wierd and somewhat twisted sense of humour but I can't remember anyone who has made me laugh so much or so consistently. He was the one person with whom I could discuss the absolutely absurd nature of our work place and know that he understood what I was thinking and that he too recognized it as the hell hole that it is. For some reason that made it easier going into work each day. I'll miss the conversations about history, politics, religion, the state of the world and such things as Star Trek and Star Wars.

Its not going to be the same around here without him, but I'm glad that he did what he felt he needed to do and found the strength to move on with his life. Good luck.

Election results

Its election day and the results are pointing to a Liberal majority. I guess I can handle that. Its better than a Conservative majority in my opinion. What I'm really upset with though is that the referendum on changing our electoral process to a Mixed Member Proportional was defeated. Apparently resoundingly so. What I don't understand about that is why don't the people of Ontario want to live in a democracy?

The early results point to the Green Party receiving 8+% of the popular vote in Ontario. This will result in their recieving no representation in parliament as they didn't win a single riding. The result of this is 8+% of the people in Ontario will not have a voice in parliament. If the MMP had gone through that 8+% support would have translated into actual seats in parliament ensuring that those people had a real voice in the political process. With a parliament of 129 seats (the parliament would have been expanded to 129 from the present 107) 8% of the vote would equal about 10 seats. That would give them an actual voice in parliament and by extension the people who voted for them would have a voice as well.

That in the end is what a democracy is supposed to be about, but apparently the people in Ontario aren't interested in living in a democracy. How sad.

My night with el diablo

As another October comes and goes, so too will another birthday. As I sit and reflect on this I find it hard to believe that I moved here nearly six years ago to attend university. I was such a wide eyed and naive man-child back then. Now I sit and look around and all I can think is 'how the hell do I keep going?' I have to admit that the thing that makes each day a little easier is the fact that the end of teachers college is in sight and with it comes the end to my employment here at Chez Oui, or as it is more appropriately and affectionally referred to by its employees, the ninth circle of hell. As things stand right now, I'm toying with the idea of heading across the pond to teach in England for a year or two. Having studied history in school, I'd love to be able to stand in the places I've only read about and the opportunity to travel Europe and the Mediterranean seems too much to pass up. I really need to just man up, make a decision and go with it. All this talking and himming and hawwing is getting really tiresome.

On a somewhat related note, a friend of mine leaves for Korea in less than a week. I've worked with him now for two and a half years and to be honest he has made coming to work each day somewhat bareable. This place just won't be the same without him and his rather sick sense of humour. I learned a lot through our discussions and had a lot of fun in a place that makes every possible effor to suck every ounce of joy from its employees and the world as a whole. So as he begins a new chapter in his life half way around the world I am left to contemplate a similar life change to come. However, the real reason I mentioned this is because I want to relate the story of my last saturday night.

As I've stated my friend is leaving for Korea and as such his employment in the ninth level of hell has come to an end. As is somewhat customary and awfully arbitrary a goodbye dinner was organized for him by a co-worker. Now before the story begins properly something needs to be made quite clear. The co-worker who organized said dinner hates us. I mean it. He hates us. Of course this is nothing new to us and the fact that we have an intense dislike for him seems to even things out in the end. However that really isn't enough. Of all the people that have worked here in the ninth level of hell, of all the varied educations, backgrounds, ambitions and competecies, the only constant is that everyone thinks that this guy is an absolute ass hole. I know that that is not nice to say, but it's true. In an effort secure power for himself here he has stabbed virtually everyone in the back, trampled over those not smart enough to fight back and has alienated everyone to the point of antipathy ranging from distate to outright hatred. To give you an idea of how reviled this person is people here joke about him anally raping his son. That is how hated this guy is. Now that that is done, on with the story.

So the dinner was to begin at 5:30pm at a local restaurant. I made a point of arriving approximately ten minutes late in an effort to ensure that there would be other people there so that I wouldn't have to interact with said douchebag one on one. Karma is a cruel mistress. Of course I show up and there he sits all alone. So after several minutes of forced small talk the guest of honour arrives along with another co worker. To make things even more awkward, the two new arrivals sit on my side of the table leaving AH all alone on the other side. The dinner is nothing but forced politeness and strained self restraint. However after ninety minutes the bills come and our time in the clutches of el diablo seems to be over. Alas, no. He asks us what we have planned for the evening. We think that this is merely more of the forced politeness that we have endured for the previous hour and a bit and so answer honestly: nothing really. Of course given our relationship we the idea of further socialization wasn't even a blip on the horizon of possible scenarios and therefore didn't fear the situation. Boy were we wrong. While one of us managed to escape pleading plans out of town, my friend and I sat there in stunned silence as our nemesis asked if we would care to join him in going to see a movie later. We were dumbfounded. What the hell had just happened? It is situations like this that trying to be a polite and respectful human being really comes back to bite you in the ass. Instead of laughing in his face and walking out, we both mumbled okay and the night from the Twilight Zone continued.

So we went to a bar next door and had a drink. I managed to escape for a few minutes by offering to walk over to the movie theatre in order to make sure of the show times. It was to be the best ten minutes of the night. My friend however, was left to his own devices with el diablo. I've never seen such a look of relief as the look my friend had when I arrived back at the bar and his fears of my having ditched him were put to rest. So there we sat straining to find something, anything to talk about with the man that we both despise and quickly downing our drinks hoping to at least get a little drunk in hopes that it would make the night go quicker and perhaps a little less painfully. Alas, that too was not to be.

After our brief drink at the bar he suggested we go shoot some pool to pass the time. Sure, anything to give us something else to focus on. So the three of us went and played a few games of pool, wasting time till the movie started and quickly downing beers. Every few minutes my friend and I would share a look that silently asked one another what we had done to deserve such a night and when would it end. So after an hour or so of 'nice shot' and 'good break' type conversation the alloted time came and off we trotted to the movie.

Once there, I purposefully walked at the rear of our little line and managed to sit as far away from el diablo as was politely possible in the movie theatre. My friend wasn't so lucky. I could see el diablo leaning over every so often during the movie to talk with him. I could almost see my friend's flesh crawl in the darkness. Thankfully we could get engrossed in the movie and for the most part it was as if el diablo wasn't there. Unfortunately this wasn't Munich or some other three hour long movie, but rather a typical ninety minute affair that went by too quickly and before we knew it the credits were rolling. So we exited the theatre and waited for el diablo to appear figuring that we had gone this far that it would be rude to simply ditch him at this point. To add insult to injury, as we waited for el diablo, his junior apprentice appeared and tried starting up a friendly converstation with us. At this point I had had enough and didn't say anything and at the earliest possible moment found an excuse and removed myself from the situation. Sometimes a large iced tea comes in real handy. So el diablo finally appears and we exit the theatre. All the way out to the street I'm dreading the fake friendly goodbye that I'm confident will follow. Fortunately and unfortunately this was not to be as once outside el diablo beat a hasty retreat shouting a quick goodbye over his shoulder as he disappeared into the night, leaving my friend and I to wonder about what had just happened.

After thinking on it for a few seconds I got the horrible impression that he had used us like some skanky bitch that he had just fucked and chucked. My friend came to the seemingly same conclusion and we were equally revolted by the very idea. As we wondered through the downtown we kept trying to make sense of the night. I mean, we both know that he hates us. He has made it abundantly clear to other co workers who have told us and to us, whom he treats like crap while at work. So why would he want to spend a night out with us of all people? The conclusion we came up with and after having passed it by a few others who know el diablo, the one that makes the most sense is this: he has no friends. He finally got a night out of the house, away from the wife and kid but had no one with whom to enjoy his fleeting night of freedom. So rather than look like a complete tool by hanging out at a bar by himself for three hours in the early evening he decided that it would be better to tag up with us, knowing that we would be too polite to turn him away. It even fits with the way the night ended, him fleeing into the night once the movie was over. We had gotten him to where he wanted to be and once that was done, we served him no more useful purpose. Much like a hooker who is quickly kicked out of the car once her client has climaxed.

It was a night from hell and one that my friend desperately did not want to have as his final memory of having worked in the ninth circle of hell. Well that is my story, as painful and as humiliating as it is to recount. I'm way too nice and it finally came back to bite me in the ass big time.

Thou shall not judge ... oh well

Each Sunday evening at work I make a point of checking out Post Secret. If you are unfamiliar with what Post Secret is a handy link has been provided to the left. When I first started to visit the site I found it to be unique, interesting and thought provoking. Now about a year later visiting the site fills me with despair. As I scroll through the weekly offerings detailing people's secrets concerning everything from the fact that they suck their thumb at age 25, to the person who divulges the secret plot to destroy their siblings marriage by seducing her sister's husband, I can't help but come to the conclusion that we live in a completely fucked up society. I mean if this is the kind of people our society produces, then perhaps we need to go back to the drawing board.

Here is a sampling from this weeks offerings followed by my rather politically incorrect valuations and judgements.

First I can't help but wonder why the hell I should care about what some slut thinks. Second, yeah she's a slut. Anyone who makes it a point to fuck a father and then his son is a little bit touched. To be proud of it to the point of bragging about it is just a prime example of why she is a slut.

How petty can you be? I mean wouldn't life be so much the better if we didn't go out of our way to piss off those around us, especially those who are supposed to be closest to us? What the hell is to be gained by such a stupid act as this? Is this person happy because of this? Don't you think its a bit demented to gain satisfaction from the frustration and pain of others?

Another winner that our society has produced. Its not enough that he's lied to and betrayed the one person that he pledged his fidelity to, he has to cheat on the person he's cheating on. Sometimes I think we should bring back the practice of labeling such people with a scarlet letter. If you didn't want to be with just your wife you shouldn't have married her. If you can't stay faithful to your wife you should at least have the balls to end it before beginning another relationship. This speaks to the inherent selfishness that drives the vast majority of our society. Me, me, me, me. Fuck everyone else, even those I profess to love. What a wonderful world.

The thing that I don't understand is why women continue to complain about why picking such fucking obvious losers ends up hurting them in the end. If he doesn't love you why the hell would you think that a baby would fix things? Oh, yes, selfishness. Get a fucking backbone and some selfworth. Of course that is easier said than done when we are increasingly told that our self worth comes from our crotch and whether or not we can get someone to fuck us. However if this person was able to think at all critically they would see the lie for what it is and not invest her self worth in it, but no, its just so much easier to be a lemming and destroy a life in the process.

What a winner you are. To purposefully mock and disparage another person's most deeply held beliefs is abhorant. If you don't like them, move. What would happen if someone did an equally abhorant thing to you? It wouldn't be funny then would it? No of course not, because selfishness reigns supreme. Sometimes I think that the Golden Rule needs to be applied.

This is going to sound cruel and mean but perhaps the world would be better off without you then. If you are so against becoming pregnant perhaps you should have kept your legs closed. But no, personal joy is so much more important than being responsible. So now if she is pregnant she will either carry through with her threat and kill two people or simply kill the baby. What a wonderful person.

I know, I know. I'm an absolutely horrible person. Yes that must be it. My reactions to these people must be an aberration because otherwise society doesn't make sense. Heaven forbid that a society should have a sense of morals and ethics that would protect the innocent and encourage its citizens to work for the common good even if it meant denying ourselves at times. No, we'd much rather continue on our selfish ways that ends with the death of thousands and the untold and uneccessary suffering of thousands more.

Motivation, or a lack thereof

I recently passed the three year mark at my place of employment. I won't say that its been all good or all bad, but in my experience working here is negative far far more often than it is positive. So today I had a sit down meeting with my boss to discuss where I fit in on the new pay structure. I was looking forward to the meeting as a number of people I work with had received substantial raises ($3 - $4 per hour raises). So imagine my suprise when my boss tells me that while I am still below the average wage that he wants to establish, I will not be receiving a raise at this time. Apparently there is only so much money to go around and I don't warrant any of it. So I left frustrated and angry, wondering why doing everything that is asked of someone and more for three plus years is not enough. My frustration increased when I found out that a coworker who has done cocaine while at work, had sex with coworkers while at work, worked more than one shift drunk and did nothing to stop a client from being assaulted by a gang of individuals was given a raise. So now I sit here wondering why I should do anything at all. Apparently doing your job, showing up on time, working extra hours for no overtime pay matters little to my employer. Its the firable offences that get you ahead here. I can't wait till I'm a teacher and can get out of this hell hole.

*****

Rugby season is almost over. I took a long time in coming to a decision on whether or not I was going to play this year but when I did I committed to the team. I attend ever practice, every game and have taken up running so as to ensure my fitness for an 80 minute game. Of course it didn't take long to realize that I was wasting my time once again. After paying $240 and doing everything that my coaches ask of me, all it really takes to play is showing up to the game. So why do I bust my ass at practice two days a week?

*****

School is almost here. For me it starts on August 27th. I can't wait for this year to be over so that I can get on with my life and escape this pit that I find myself mired in. Too bad an education wasn't free, I could be so much happier if it was.

*****

Well I've spent four hours at work and accomplished nothing. I'm still trying to find the motivation to do anything, anything at all.

Plagarism, LeBron James and Darfur

When talking with people about economics I tend to come of as a socialist. This isn't because I agree with Marx so much, but rather I'm naive enough to think that money shouldn't be devoid of morals or ethics. Much of the time when people talk about ethical economics they will point to Wal-Mart and the damage it does not only in the communities in which they dominate but also to those who produce many of the items that Wal-Mart sells. But this isn't about Wal-Mart or corporate greed per se, but rather a lament that humanity runs a seemingly distant second to money in the hearts and minds of many. The latest example of this is LeBron James, superstar basketball star and, in my opinion, first class dick.

The following was originally published in the Saturday June 9, 2007 edition of the National Post.

James won't use his power for good
Star refuses to sign teammate's letter on Darfur killings

Bruce Arthur
National Post
Saturday, June 09, 2007

SAN ANTONIO, Tex. -Yesterday, Ira Newble sat off to the side of the basketball court where his more famous Cleveland Cavaliers teammates were swarmed by the media. The most famous Cavalier of all, LeBron James, was in the interview room, where only the glittering stars and their coaches go. Newble, a 32-year-old journeyman, was left largely alone. He has played nine minutes in these playoffs. Basketball-wise, he doesn't really matter. But this isn't about basketball.

Earlier this year, Newble saw the film Hotel Rwanda, about the genocide in that country in 1994, and was suitably horrified. He didn't just let the horror sink away, though, and so he learned that Rwanda was not an isolated incident. And so he learned about Darfur.

Here is the short version of Darfur. Since 2003, the Islamic Sudanese government and Arab militias are accused of mass murder -- genocide, essentially, though the United Nations has stopped short of using that word -- against the black African population, under the guise of fighting rebel groups.

Research published in the academic journal Science in December, 2006 put the death toll at "no fewer than 200,000." More than two million Sudanese have been displaced. Vast numbers of women have been raped. It is an unthinkable atrocity, and it is ongoing.

Most athletes live in a self-imposed bubble. Newble decided not to.

"I feel like I have a responsibility to do [something], to use my voice, ability, knowledge and talent for other things than just shoot a basketball," he says.

So he did something. He educated himself with the help of a professor at Smith College in Massachusetts, Eric Reeves, who is perhaps the most respected academic voice on the subject. He printed off some material about Darfur, and left it in each of his teammates' lockers. He asked them to read it, then later, talked to each one individually.

He then drafted a letter to China, which is the Sudan's chief trading partner, urging the country that will hold the 2008 Olympic Games to pressure Sudan to stop the carnage. And he asked his teammates to sign it.

They all did, all but two. One, backup guard Damon Jones, has a shoe deal with a Chinese company. The other is LeBron James.

NBA commissioner David Stern called LeBron "a representative of the future of this league." LeBron himself has said his goal is to become a "global icon." And Nike, LeBron's sponsor, and the NBA are seeking to exploit the massive Chinese market.

Jones doesn't matter. LeBron does. He said he didn't know enough to sign, but that was a month ago, and LeBron could have his people prepare a dossier tomorrow, if he pleased. And so Newble is caught between loyalty to a teammate, and loyalty to one hell of a worthy cause.

"I understand, but don't understand," says Newble, softly. "I can completely understand a guy, especially someone like LeBron -- whatever he does is going to be magnified. So of course, he has to make sure he's doing the right thing. I mean, I can understand that.

"But it's on him to go out and get the information that he feels he needs to get, and make a decision."

It should not be a complicated decision.

Newble is clearly hesitant to criticize LeBron, and says he respects LeBron's stated desire to know more. But Newble is probably on his last NBA legs anyway, and his conscience leaks through, even when he is trying to downplay the disagreement. When someone says this is not exactly an overly complex issue, Newble laughs.

"It's pretty much cut and dried. But at the end of the day, it's about the bottom dollar," he says. "Trust me, I wish I was a marquee player, because I could make a bigger difference than I'm making now.

"There's nothing negative about anything I'm doing. It's not a boycott, it's not like I'm saying don't go to the Olympics. It's a protest, to make people aware, to make China aware, since they have the ability to do something about it because they have so much influence over there."

When asked yesterday if he would be more of a Michael Jordan or more of a Muhammad Ali on social issues, LeBron demurred, and it told you everything you needed to know.

"I'm going to try to be more of LeBron James," he said. "When I say that, I just want to hopefully end my career the best way that I want to end it, and then just try to be more of a businessman."

Except right now, he is both. And through the lens of Darfur, as governments around the world idly let people die, those LeBron Nike ads that say "We Are All Witnesses," are ironic, and a little chilling. It's not that LeBron can stop the killing. But it's his decision to sign, or not. And he is making the wrong one.

"It's bigger than basketball, it's bigger than sports, and it's bigger than the money," says Newble. "It's a human issue."

It should be. What consequences would LeBron James suffer for signing that letter? How would it hurt him? But LeBron wants to be Michael Jordan, and Jordan was the epitome of the soulless chase for money instead of social responsibility. To paraphrase Jordan, the Chinese buy sneakers, too.

Inside the human studio

Well its been a while since my last post. Its not like a whole lot has been going on other than I've been doing research for a 30 page paper due in mid June. So far the research has been going slow but I don't really have much of a choice other than to waste a thousand dollars. Not likely to happen.

One thing that has been keeping me somewhat occupied has been the television show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton. One of the elements of the show that I like is the final question segment in which host Lipton asks each guest the same ten questions developed by French journalist Bernard Pivot.

In a sort of tribute that I have chosen to answer these same questions here.

Oh my how exciting eh?

What is your favorite word?
Without trying to sound overly sappy I would have to say 'love'. Its the one word that everyone wants to hear said to them in their life. Everyone wants to experience love, to receive love and to give love.

What is your least favorite word?
Repressed. I find it amazing how often in my life I've been told I'm repressed simply because I disagree with someone. I don't agree with having sex with ten different people over the course of two days? Well that's because I'm repressed. It seems to the be the blanket accusation for someone that isn't as liberal as they are.

What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
The first instinct is to mention something physical but that isn't in the question. I guess I would say walking or bike riding. I don't know if its so much of a 'turn on' but I do find that a lot of ideas come to me while I do these activities.

What turns you off?
This one is a lot more open but I guess the implication is that it follows from the previous question. I guess in that case I'd have to say work. I find it so mind numbing that thinking of even the most basic things can sometimes be a chore.

What is your favorite curse word?
Shit. I sometimes try to dress it up a bit by saying shite.

What sound or noise do you love?
The sound of the rain falling on leaves. Its quite relaxing.

What sound or noise do you hate?
The voices of a number of my coworkers.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
I'll count my profession as a teacher for the sake of this question. I guess I'd have to go with Minister.

What profession would you not like to do?
Pig farmer.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Welcome, my child.

Spring is in the air

Spring time has finally arrived. It seems to come a little later each year for some reason. Of course winter seems to start a little later each year too. Its like the seasons are sliding down the calendar. But that is for another post.

Spring is here and with it comes change. New Years is always a popular time for making resolutions and promises of change but I think that spring is the universal time of change. Life seemingly comes out of everywhere. The birds are back and singing. The squirells are running around again. The trees are budding and flowers are poking through their blankets of dirt. The weather warms, spirits rise and everything just seems fresh and new. Ready for change.

Change is of course hard and difficult for many. I'm not too sure that I handle change all that well myself. I tend to put up with a lot of crap before finally doing something about it. It seems that my entire life is a testament to silent resignation.

Things in my life aren't all that great. Of course things in most people's lives could always be better. Obviously the recognition of problems and finding solutions often requires effort and change. So the status quo remains for another day, month, year, decade ...

I've been thinking about making a number of changes lately. Some of them stem from school of all things. Obviously I'll be changing careers when I'm done school but that is something I anticipate with great joy. However with the change in career, I'm also thinking of changing homes. Specifically I'm thinking of moving to the UK for a year or two. Its a big decision and one that I haven't committed to one way or the other quite yet. I'm starting to feel some pressure to decide sooner rather than later as I figure that it impacts my living arrangements now.

I want to move. I don't like living where I am now. The person who lives above me is quite oblivious to the fact that I live downstairs and that much of what she does effects me. I hear almost everything, much to my great annoyance. Especially when she's having sex. But there are other things as well. She has friends over quite a bit, which I don't begrudge her but they do nothing but blast music and stomp around for hours on end. I couldn't tell you how many times they've come home from a night out at the bar and start blasting the music at 3am like there was no one else in the house. Last time it happened I called her on the phone and asked her to turn it down as I'd like to get to bed. It was 5am and they were annoyed that I would impact their fun. I know because I could hear everything that they said.

Many would advise that I talk with the landlord. I would if it wasn't a bit complicated. You see the woman that lives upstairs is the landlords ex-girlfriend who is friends with his parents. As far as I know she lives there for free. I know she doesn't have a job so I can't see her affording the rent. Add that to my beta-male nature of simply taking it and now I'm to the point where I just want out. Of course the financial terms of the place are quite good and I find them hard to give up.

But I digress. I want out and where I move to I think impacts my decision to move to the UK in a year. I figure that if I'm going to go then I can move in with a room mate and start getting rid of some stuff. But if I'm going to stay here then I may as well just stay by myself as I'll need to keep everything that I have. I've made the decision to move now I've just got to decide in which direction that move will take me.

Add to that that I'm making a concerted effort to develop positive habits surrounding my health. I haven't seen a doctor in probably a decade or more but I'm quite positive that I'm in crap shape. I figure getting winded in my elementary gym class is a pretty good sign that I need to put in some work. So I've started a running program. I'm only in week 2 of 13 but I guess you've got to start somewhere. If it works I'm supposed to be able to run 10k. If that is the case it could be a good start for playing rugby at the end of June.

Then there is the diet. A proper diet is so important. I just have horrible habits surrounding food. In the past I've made efforts to buy and consume healthier food but invariably the fruits and vegetables rot in the fridge while I chow down on potato chips. I remember when I started playing rugby. I practiced 5 days a week. After 8 weeks I lost 4 pounds. I figure all the french fries I ate during that 8 weeks might have had an impact on that.

On top of that I'm trying to reclaim and rekindle my relationship with God. I've let it slip for so long. I've always had a ton of excuses but none of them are really valid. Relationships take work, the same goes for my relationship with God. Of course I've been rather lazy and the relationship has suffered. Again I've ingrained some really poor habits that I now need to abolish and replace with positive habits. Its coming along but I still have a way to go.

They say change is very stressfull and I would have to agree. Then I sit back and recognize that I'm trying to make changes in 6 different areas of my life all at one time and I wonder that I'm not a basket case.

I guess all I can do is continue to struggle onwards and hope for the best. I don't really have a choice I figure. The other path was a path towards destruction. I want something more than that. Now I've just got to be man enough to take it.

Wish me luck.

Glenn Beck

I haven't done a whole lot of political thinking lately. Mostly I've been tied up with thoughts of how to get 6 year olds interested in square dancing but that's for another time.

Have you ever watched Glenn Beck on CNN? He has a national hour long program on CNN each night of the week where he talks at you about various topics of interest. I was recently asked what I thought of Glenn's desire to have Iran labeled as evil. He's not the only one mind you, but he does like to spend much of his air time devoted to the coming holocaust that is Iran. If you don't know what I mean check this out.

Now I'm sure that there are quite a few people out there that agree with Glenn and his opinions on many issues. He is a self professed conservative republican and makes it well known on his show. But I have to wonder about his penchant for labelling Iran as evil. Especially when he goes about trying to convince others that they too should label Iran is evil.

What does labelling Iran as evil mean? What are the effects of such an action? I think that bringing terms like evil and hate into a political discussion is meant to bypass logic and make a more emotional connection. People have a much more emotional or visceral reaction to things that they see as evil and it tends to polarize a discussion.

IF Beck is right then how can one argue against evil? If you do of course then your supporting evil, are you evil then? Such polarized good and evil debates are good in Star Wars but don't much place in the realm of politics. In this case, what are the ramifications of accepting the notion that Iran is evil? Does America simply sit back and allow evil to exist or does it take up the holy crusade to eradicate evil? If it does decide to eradicate evil then surely a military invasion is in the offing and who will pay the price of that? Is every person living in Iran evil?

If Saddam was evil what does that make Iraq? Was Iraq evil or was it a small number of people at the top? The US decided to invade and end the evil that was Iraq but who is paying the price? The tens of thousands of innocent Iraqis who have died over the past 4 years who wanted nothing more than to live their lives.

Glenn Beck's insistence that we use the term evil only serves to shortcut logical and civil discussion and replace it with emotional finger pointing. If you want to see an example of how this works look no further than America. You are either for the war or your not. There is no room for a nuanced or multi-facted position on such a complex matter. It is a simple decision. Your either for the war or your for terrorism. Which is it?

That is what is happening here. The drums of war are beginning to beat and people like Glenn Beck are taking up the tune.

The bride - part 3

The world came back first in shades of greys and then blobs of light and then the sounds. The sounds seemed strange, out of place, familiar. It wasn't till she tried to move that the reality around her came into focus. The screaming that she had heard, that had seemed to come some from far away was actually coming from her.

"Ah, she's finally awake. Good. It's not fun when their unconscious." She tried to sit up and see who was speaking but the straps that were holding her down prevented her. "Eh, sweety, how are you doing? Are you ready for some more?"

The next bit was a blur. How long it lasted she wasn't sure till well after it was over. All she was aware of was the pain, the men and the smiling face of the one man that was supposed to have loved her. It was then that she promised herself that if she survived that she would make him pay.

Finally all the men left and she was left lying in blood and pain, her wrists, ankles and neck raw from straps that had been holding her down. But she wasn't alone, there was one man left with her, the one man that she wanted so much to kill. She thought to herself that when he came to her she would do everything she could to kill him before she died. Her thoughts of darkness were interupted by his smiling face hovering above her face. His face was both smug and taunting staring down at her. His expression slowly changed into ugliness and contempt.

"You always were such a slut. You disgust me. I seen you smiling while all those men had their way with you. You liked it. I seen it in your eyes. Here I thought that we might be able to make this work but you had to go and ruin it by enjoying yourself." There was so much rage in his face and voice that she almost began to question herself. To wonder if she had enjoyed it, if she had in fact been smiling. But then the pain came back and she knew that he was just a demented, sadistic bastard. She tried to speak but found she couldn't, it hurt too much. "Well lets get you cleaned up. I can't parade you through the hotel looking like this."

Hohum

Its easy to stop talking / writing when you know that no one is listening / reading.

Disappointing, but easy.

The bride - part 2

She marveled at the stars. She had been looking at them all her life yet for some irrational and unknown reason tonight they seemed alive, magical, beautiful, hers. Everything this night seemed alive, fresh and new. Like she was experiencing all for the first time. The smell of the wet grass below her, sound of distant traffic and the feel of the wood beneath her hands all seemed to coalesce into one perfect moment. She heard the door open behind her, the footsteps that came closer with each footfall and the sound of the music coming from downstairs. She jumped when the hands touched her arms. Not from suprise but rather the tiny spark she felt when their flesh touched. Even their love seemed alive tonight.

"Are you ready?" He asked as he brushed aside her flowing brown hair and gently kissed the back of her neck.

"Mmmmmm. I'm always ready for that." She responded warmly as she turned in his arms and returned the kiss. "But I suppose we have no time for such things."

"You suppose right. The car will be here any minute." He replied between kisses. I've already taken the bags downstairs. Everything is ready. Aren't you excited?"

"To become your wife? Of course." She kissed him long and hard this time. From below a car's horn sounded prompting the kiss' ending. "Time to go I guess."

With that the two headed downstairs, grabbed their bags and headed for the waiting car. The driver was ready for them and took their bags. After ensuring that they were comfortable in the back and that everything that was as they had requested he returned to his place behind the wheel and made his way towards the highway. It was a long drive to that other city that never slept. After about an hour on the highway the noises from the back prompted the driver to turn up the volume on the radio. He had learned from many such trips that people in the back never slept regardless how late the hour.

The city loomed before them like some luminous marvel. She couldn't help but crane her neck every which way trying to take it all in. Each passing second brought new sights and sounds to be enchanted by. The car made its way through the traffic filled streets to its destination. The driver got out and let his passengers out of the car. They couldn't help but stretch after the long drive as the driver retrieved their bags from the cars trunk. A bellman came up to the couple and after a brief exchange their bags were on their way. After tipping the driver they made their way into the veritable maze that was the hotel and checked in. It was going so well she thought. In a little more than twenty four hours she would be married and then would come the kids she thought. Oh, how she wanted children.

The elevator stopped on the twenty-second floor and opened to allow the couple out. They followed the usual signs that would lead them to their room. They walked arm in arm, seemingly so much in love. She counted off the room number until they reached their room, number thirty. She stood back while he opened the door with the key card and amazed with the opulence of the room behind the door. She rushed into the room trying to take it all in. First the bedroom, then the bathroom with its jacuzzi tub, then the sitting room. That was when everything came to a crashing halt.

"Hello there my dear." The stranger welcomed her. "I trust your trip was enjoyable."

She was speechless. She turned to her soon to be husband for help, for answers but he wasn't there. Where had he gone? "F-f-fine," she stammered. "Who are you?"

"I'm your new best friend." The man replied from the chair where he sat.

She heard a footstep behind her but before she could turn to see who it was blinding lights flashed before her eyes as she was hit over the head with what she later assumed was a lamp. The room went dark as her body went limp.

The bride.

The light glinted off the polished chrome gun barrel belying its deadly nature. It almost looked beautiful, she thought, however its deadly design shattered any such fanciful notions in a hurry. As did the bleeding and crying man lying prone at her feet. She couldn't help but wonder on the rarity of such moments, especially in her life. Moments when it was a woman who was in complete control and it was a man who lay broken and bloodied, begging for an ounce of mercy that did not exist. Things had been so different thirty six hours ago she thought, everything seemed so alive and all things seemed possible. Now she felt only death and rage, anger and strangely enough, calm.

He was blubbering something about never doing it again. His mouth was writing cheques she knew his ass couldn't cover but that didn't seem to matter to him. Strange how everything else just vanished in the blink of an eye, when one's life might end in a blink. Of course such tenuous links between life and death always existed, but now it was real for him. The knowledge of this fact was the entirety of his reality to the exclusion of everything else. As his soiled pants could well atest. His blubbering and squealling pleas were like the buzz of some annoying insect in her ears. She wanted so badly to swat that bug, to end that infernal buzzing once and for all.

Strange that it should all end here, she thought as off in the distance cars could be heard making their way to the city. But here they were all alone, no one to bother them, no one to make a last ditch effort to save the miserable creature before her. She looked past the shimmering sands to the distant city, the city where they were to be married. She was struck by the realization that at that very moment she was to be walking down the aisle. His cries for mercy brought her back to the task at hand. The weight of the gun once again became a real thing in her hand. Her arm suddenly felt strained, her mind tired, her whole body exhausted. I just want to sleep she said to herself, just for a moment. Her eyes began to tear, her body to tremble, her hand began to shake.

"NO!" She screamed into the desert air. All at once the crushing weight of the past days events bared down upon her turning her trembling weakness into trembling rage, her tears of sorrow into tears of fierce resolve. All at once everything became still, everything crystalized into a moment of pure focus and clarity. Gone were the doubts, gone was the buzzing in her ears. It was all replaced with the sound of rushing blood boiling with rage, vengeance and murderous intent. She could still hear the echoes of her anguished scream fading into the distance when she drowned them out with the solitary blast from her gun. Everything remained still for what seemed like an eternity as she stared down at the twisted and ragged mess that used to be a human head. Then as suddenly as the moment came it left and all she thought about was how sweet sleep would be as her body collapsed to the ground.

And the world keeps on turning.

Well 2007 is upon us.

I can't say that I know what the new year will bring. Probably more of the same.

One thing that changed in 2007 was my not having a girlfriend anymore. She decided that we'd be better off as friends. She was even kind enough to say so via email. How nice of her.

Oh well, I can't say that I mind the relationship ending. It was actually kind of interesting that as I was walking home I was thinking that I wasn't really getting anything out of the relationship and probably wouldn't mind if it ended. I get home and there awaiting me was the email. They say that everything is in the timing. This was pretty good timing.

***

I don't really know what to write at the moment. I just felt that I should write something.

School starts up again later today. I'm really learning to hate it. It seems like such a waste of time, money and energy. I just hope that when its all said and done that I feel like I've actually learned something.

***

Work is a right royal mess. I'd love nothing better than to confront the overbearing staff member that is making things unbearable but I have to think of paying the bills. It really sucks. I just keep telling myself "keep your mouth shut, you've only got another year to go." Another miserable year. Teaching better be worth it.

***

Well it looks like 2007 is beginning much like 2006; alone, broke and working a job that drives me nuts. That light at the end of the tunnel better be glorious sunshine over a sandy beach and not a set of headlights.

***

Happy new year everyone.

Lets just hope that 2007 ends better than it started and that when we look back on it we can say that it was better than 2006.

Good luck.