Context

Sorry to the 1 or 2 people out there who may actually read these posts for not updating in a while. I have been properly repremanded and lashed for my recalcitrance.

The other day I was reading an article by noted Christian author Phillip Yancey. He was writing about the difference concerning the attitudes amongst western Christians and eastern Christians, notably those in China. He pointed out that when he attends prayer meetings throughout the US, one of the main requests is for physical healing or relief from suffering. When he had a chance to travel to China and talk with Christian leaders there, he asked them if they prayed for relief from their government. No was the answer he received.

Christian leaders of the underground house churches in China had an understanding that they would suffer for their belief and as such counted it as part of their lives. They talked of 2 Christian leaders there who were imprisoned for their faith. The first after serving 30 years in jail coupling and uncoupling train cars (apparently a fairly dangerous occupation) thanked his friends for their prayers for his health and safety. The second man was imprisoned for his faith but while in jail found out that his wife was dying and as such renounced his faith so that he could be released from jail and go to her. Once out of jail the man regretted his decision and turned himself back in to authorities and spent 30 years in jail.

What caught me about the stories was the difference in attitude amongst those in what we consider developing countries with ours here in North America. I complain regularily concerning my lack of money. In a NA context I make very little and live marginally above the poverty line. I complain about my debt totaling ten's of thousands of dollars and the burden that that has upon my finances. Then I think about a man my age living in Botswana and realize that he probably could not conceive of being able to borrow upwards of $40,000 let alone make nearly $30,000 a year. In NA I am reletively poor, in Africa I would fairly wealthy. Perception is all in the context.

I was talking with a former co-worker one night concerning feminism and I thought he made a good point. Feminism is a movement spearheaded by mostly wealthy, educated white women. While women of all races and creeds have joined the movement over the last 20 years in the west the ideals that they espouse are the ideals of wealthy, educated white women. They fight for legalized abortion, equal pay for equal work, etc. All ideas of potential worth to western women. Yet the point of disconnect is that these western women see feminism as a worldwide movement and claim to be fighting for their sisters around the globe. However women in Africa, South America and Asia aren't too worried about these things as they are more concerned with such things as eating, not being raped, shelter, etc. It's the context.

As westerner's (I'm stereotyping here) we are the spoiled rich kids of the world. We cry and whine for things that in the larger context of the world are quite trivial. I'm not trying to diminish the realities of personal pain and tragedy, this occurs around the world, but while I complain about making under $30,000 a year, there are millions that can only dream of making that much. Of course there are people in our own societies that are disadvantaged. Homelessness is a major problem facing many NA cities and each year we can read about homeless people dying on the streets (especially during the winter months). However we have homeless shelters which provide their residents with an x-box.

In the end it comes down to context. In a world wide context we are incredibly rich and priviledged. The poor in NA are the well off in other areas of the world. So while we consider problems that many in the world cannot even conceive of having to deal with because they are too busy trying to eat, I encourage each of us to be thankful that we are born in such a rich part of the world and have such luxuries. Because in the end, I seriously doubt that the poor farmer in Tanzania is going to have the opportunity to read this.

Love's Labour Lost?

I keep being told by friends that I need to start dating someone, anyone as far as they are concerned. It's been 3 years since my wife decided to leave me for a man with more money and since then I haven't dated anyone. There have been people that have interested me but at no point did my interest in them ever evolve into a date. Just last week I was told I was a monk.

I have a great number of excuses for not dating anyone. Some are horribly personal, others are what I tell people when they start suggesting that I should start seeing someone. A list of my public excuses:

1. I don't know any women near my age (which is somewhat true as I work with teenagers and attend school with even more teenagers).
2. I need a woman I can share my faith with (which again is true however I make no effort to meet women who share my faith).
3. I have plans for the future that I don't want a relationship to mess up (after my wife and I split I started making plans to go to Wales for a year, she wanted to try and work things out, when she said that it wasn't working the deadline for my application had passed and I couldn't go. I don't want that to happen again right?)
4. I'm fine alone, it leaves me the opportunity to do what I want when I want (of course I don't do anything because I have no one to share such experiences with).
5. I can't afford it (dating is expensive and I don't have that much money to spend on doing things with someone else, or so I tell myself).

These are the main excuses I would share with anyone who asks why I don't date or apparently have no desire to date anyone. While they all have a certain ring of truth to them they all have a certain ring of bullshit as well.

Human's are essentially communal beings. We naturally seek out others to share ourselves with. There is a perverse sense of fulfillment that comes from giving of yourself to another. Even more so when it is recpricated in kind. Then there is the natural biological drive to procreate which drives us towards relationships with others on a purely instinctual level. Of course there are those who choose to deny themselves this (usually refered to as monks or freaks - take your pick) but in doing so often try to isolate themselves from society so as to distance themselves for desire and distraction. I unfortunately am not a monk.

Would I like to be dating someone? Of course. Am I willing to try and meet someone so that I could date someone? Probably not.

The real reasons I don't try and meet anyone are personal. You see I (like everyone else does) have an inner voice which talks to me. Its amazing what you can hear when you take some time to listen to the inner narrative. For instance did you know that I am unworthy of love? Or perhaps that there is no way another person could be interested in me? Another thing that I have learned from my inner voice is that I am terribly unattractive and frightfully unappealing.

This is just a small sampling however I have begun to notice a pattern. I don't seem to like myself all that much. The word negative comes to mind. I'm sure that someone out there would classify it as something akin to a 'negative self image'. If I was saying these things to another person some might claim that what I say is verbal abuse.

Of course when you find yourself in an abusive situation you should make every effort to extricate yourself from said situation. How do you do that when your doing it to yourself? Suicide? I guess that that would be one out but I don't find it all that appealing.

I said in a previous post that I had been listening to my inner dialogue and had had an epiphany. That to fulfill God's command to love your neighbor as yourself, you need to love yourself. It seems I am having a terribly hard time at this. Perhaps my inability to love myself is having some effect on my ability to love others? Or perhaps its having an effect upon my simple desire to seek out someone to love?

I want to love someone. To have that connection with another person that I lost when my wife left. It just seems that I have to convince my inner voice that I deserve it before I'll be able to seek it out.

For some reason this makes me sad.

I'm not too sure why.