Disillusionment and Indecision

I really enjoy Rugby. I never really knew about the game until two years ago. I had been attending university for two years and was entering my third. A friend and I had gone out to the university during intro-week to talk with a professor on what happened to be club day. As he went to get a coffee I aimlessly wandered around the various tables noting all the groups that existed at my university, groups that I didn't even know existed. One of these groups was the varsity men's rugby team. I was horribly out of shape and overweight, but my friend kept prompting me to get the info, so I did. Practices had already begun and so the next day I sat in my car watching all these guys running in the bright hot sun, me to afraid to get out and join them. The next day I bit the bullet and actually joined them on the field and by halfway I thought I would suffer a heart attack, but I made it through that day, and then the next.

I began to really enjoy being pushed physically and I enjoyed getting to know some new people. In what seemed no time at all, the season came and went and the snow began to fall but I didn't lose my interest in the game or the team. When summer came I began playing with the local club team and enjoyed the opportunity to practice and learn more about rugby. I enjoyed the opportunity to become a better player and to continue some friendships. But I really began to notice differences between me and a lot of my teammates. During the school year, I was about ten years older than the majority of the team, during the summer the same was true however there were some older guys like myself. The hard part was that when I began playing rugby I did so to meet some new people, but by the end of the summer I was only there for the sport as most of the people I had met didn't appeal to me. Not that they were bad people, we were simply different, having different life experiences, world views, goals and aspirations. While I enjoyed being on the rugby field I found it harder and harder to be around them off the field.

Summer passed and the leaves began to change colour as a new university season was under way. It was then that I really began to notice how hard it was for me to be around them socially. My first year I had done a lot of things I wouldn't like to repeat simply to be part of the group. Now I was there for my interest in the game with little interest in being part of the group. It was hard and akward. Now that another season is over and the summer season is approaching I am fighting with myself whether I want to play this summer and more importantly next school year. In a lot of ways I would like to simply show up, play and go home. This is made hard by the fact that rugby is well known for its social aspect. Beer-ups and bus trips are well founded traditions within the sport and its hard to be part of the team if your not willing to be there for all of it. I don't want to have to deal with a lot of them and it is simply easier to forgoe playing and simply get on with my life. However I do want to play. I truly enjoy the game, the physicalness of it all. I don't know. I still have a few months to go who knows what will happen between now and then.