How much of myself am I willing to share?

I sit asking myself this question. I know that the vast majority of people who may come across this blog will have no clue who I am or even that it is me writing it, but there are people who know. People I've shared this with. Up until recently my posts have been personal to a certain extent but they dealt mostly with issues rather than feelings. Now I must ask myself how much of myself am I willing to share, even in this largely anonymous forum? One part of me insists that I keep this private another part urges me to take the leap of faith so to speak and just say what is on my mind regardless of who might read it. Well in the end there is no time like the present to try something new, so here goes.

Earlier today (for me, yesterday for the rest of you) I had a chance to speak with a friend of mine who I haven't had a chance to talk with for quite a while. I've known her for a few years now and to be honest have missed talking with her very much. Normally we would hang out at school but I'm taking a year off this year and seeing as how we live in different towns we haven't communicated as much I would have liked. Anyways, we were chatting and she told me that she too had a blog and as such she shared it with me as I shared mine with her. It turns out that her and her boyfriend went to Florida for a week a little while ago and she had posted some pictures on her blog documenting their time there. She looked very happy. I was jealous.

You see I have been (to use a dated term) crushing on this woman for a few years now. I think that she is very beautiful, intelligent, funny and charming. Everytime I see her I seem to fall under this trance where I can't take my eyes off of her and want to do anything to be near her. When I had first met her I was married however over the course of a summer things changed and when I went back for my second year of university I had the pleasure of being in a class with her. I enjoyed getting to know her that year but was far to shy and a little hurt by my ex-wife to pursue my interest in her. Another summer came and went and I was stunned to see her my first day back to class, standing in the hallway waiting to get into a class that I was taking. I was very glad indeed that I would get to spend another school year talking with her and spending (even limited amounts of) time with her. But that first day she looked so beautiful. She had cut her hair a different way just before school started and it made her look that much better. We spent another school year in class together talking and getting to know one another a little bit more. I even asked her out for a drink a couple of times but nothing came of it. Now I'm not in school and I don't get to see her until today.

There she is in all her glory looking radiant and happy. I'm very happy for her. It seems that she has finally found a man that treats her as she should be treated. He apparently doesn't cheat on her as so many in her past had. In the end I am happy for both of them, I think that she is a wonderful woman who deserves nothing but the best and apparently she has found a man that believes the same. But as I said before I am jealous that I never had a chance to make her smile in that way.

So there it is, a glimpse into how I FEEL rather than how I think. Please don't expect much of this cause in the end I don't tend to share much of my innner-self with anyone.

Perhaps that means something.