Have you ever heard the expression 'you can't go home again'? I had always assumed that it meant family, however this weekend I learned that it can be broader in its interpretation. I went back to my hometown this weekend to help my parents who had just moved into a new house. Being there is fine. I helped my dad install a number of new appliances that they had bought for their new place and in the end the weekend was very productive. However I find it incredibly akward going out in public there. We went out for dinner on the Saturday night and I'm constantly feeling uncomfortable, afraid that someone might recognize me or that I might see someone from my past. I'm not too sure why. Its not like I had a horrible life their or anything but everytime I return I begin to shut down and insulate myself from everything around me. The most obvious place for this is my former church.
When I was twenty I began attending this church. It was where I connected with God and where I was baptized. I worked with their youth program for five years, I tought Sunday School and even worked with the Worship team each week as technical support (sound guy). There are a lot of memories for me there. So why is it that everytime I go back I constantly spend my time judging people silently to myself. I mentally criticize everything even down to the lighting. Time moves on, people grow and change, times change. The same is true of a congregation. When I go back there now the most I get after spending seven years of my life there is a polite hello. When this happens I'm kind of insulted but then I realize that I don't necessarily want to interact with them either. I show up, find a seat and when the service is over find a corner until my parents are ready to go and then leave. Why do I act this way? I know its wrong. In no way am I able to judge them, to look down my nose at these people but for some reason I do. Why?
Is it because those that I connected with most during my time there are no longer there? That probably has something to do with it. The minister who prayed with me when I accepted Christ, who baptized me and who performed my wedding is no longer there. One of my best friends moved away with his family and is now living in Korea. Another good friend of mine moved about four hours north. He ended up cheating on his wife and leaving her and the kids. In the end I don't miss him so much. I do have one good friend still at the church, he is the youth pastor their, I worked with him for over five years, he stood up for me at my wedding. Today after the service he looked right at me (I haven't seen him in about four months) and turned the other way to go and talk to someone he sees everyday. Does this mean anything?
I know that I am not always (rarely if I'm honest with you and myself) honest with those around me. I'm always wearing different 'masks' to suit the occasion never rarely presenting my true self even to those whom are closest to me. Why do I go to the church then if I don't like it there? you may ask. Well I go because my parents want me to. They like having me there and as such I go, but I'm always quiet and sullen. I begin to close up on the drive there. What has happened to make me feel this way or to do these things? I wish I knew because I don't like it.
So in the end it seems you can't go home again because its the past, we live in the present and we look to the future. Perhaps its a sign of growth that we can't go back. Of course if that were truly the case why do act so petty when I'm there? If it were truly growth that was motivating me to feel uncomfortable wouldn't there be a, even if only slight, sense of nostalgia? Perhaps in the end I'm simply a small, petty, selfish person. Perhaps I need to learn how to forgive. A part of what we know as the Lord's prayer says 'forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.' The longer that we hold onto anger, malice, hatred the longer it grows and festers within us. The more it grows the harder it is to let go of. The longer we go without letting go the harder it becomes to recognize the life that we used to live. I used to be happy there. It was my birthplace in a sense. They were my family and now I can't stand to be around them all because I can't forgive. I guess this needs explaining.
I began attending the church in 1994 and moved away in 2001. Around the year 2000 one of my close friends was involved in a situation which at the time I thought he handled properly and in the end I was caught in the middle as the other party involved was a close friend and member of a family that I had come to love. I was kept in the dark and in the end only heard his side of the story. I trusted him and so believed that he was telling me the truth. He did to some extent but not the whole truth. Now years later I realize that what he had done wrong, he had done before and ended up doing again. But while all of this was going on I was thoroughly disenchanted with the church and those involved in handling the situation for the church. I know now that my conception of what happened was wrong and that he lied to me. My other friend, who was involved, I ran into about 2 years ago and we had a really good talk and cleared up some of what had been lingering. I appologized for the way I had acted, especially given the fact that I didn't have all the facts concerning the situation. But beyond that, it affected the church. When I said earlier that the pastor was not there any longer, I feel that he was driven out and some of the reason concerning that is because of this situation. I guess in the end I felt hurt and betrayed, not only by my friend but by the church leaders who handled it all.
Now that I think about it, the uneasiness and contempt that I feel now when I go there was developing before I left. In the several months leading up to my leaving town I began to disconect myself more and more from the congregation and from the church as a whole and was happy to be gone. I guess the question I have now is how do I go about forgiving 'them' so that I can let go of this anger and bitterness that I have for them so that I can move beyond being a petty and self-centered human being? It's one thing to say it, but how do I truly internalize it? Make it real? How do you truly forgive someone? I'm not sure I know. That's disappointing for as I said earlier I am called to do so just as I ask God to forgive me my sins. I guess I have some work ahead of me.
sincerely;
Vespasian
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